A hard fall

Monday 27 Jul 15
I was inviting CAL to swim via skype. We have been swimming together, just the two of us, for at least twice now at Jurong East Swimming Complex since last month. And for both of that time I really enjoyed the time spent with her especially when we have Kronenbourg Blanc draught beer and nice steaks at the Carving Board for dinner after the swim in both occasions.

Now even though all of us are in the same close-knitted group, I previously had a feud before with Bon because she said that she is not comfortable swimming with guys. I was persisting that even in public swimming pool there will be other guys so I was asking her what difference does it make. Bon simply answered that those are strangers who probably will see her just once. Notwithstanding that the people who goes public swimming pool on weekdays are regulars: a point that I didn't make because I respected her as I didn't want to argue with her. But I was trying to change her mind by saying that I won't do anything and even CAL is okay to swim with me. I was probably trying too hard. I realized that when I noticed that her face started to show irritation while saying that she is different from CAL. So I stopped saying anything to her that time and this was known my most of us.

I didn't really had any more intention of getting close to Bon, I had decided that I'd rather be close with CAL at that point in time. But I just thought that it would be nice to swim together as friends and maybe CAL will come to Katong to swim too if there are a few of us. 

So because this feud is known to most of us, that Bon had this pre-qualification, CAL rejected my invitation kindly saying that she will be swimming with Bon at Katong Swimming Pool. It feels kind of lonely because I was looking forward to swim with her and because she only swim every Tuesdays where the water is the cleanest. And for that Tuesday, Bon had invited her before me. But even if I had invited her first, I know CAL, being herself, she would probably cancel and swim with Bon anyway so it doesn't really matter. Notice that I have to go Jurong East to swim with CAL but CAL could willingly come to Katong to swim with Bon. 

Thankfully though, CAL promised that the following week she will swim with. But since I was not getting any swim-date with CAL this week, I decided to swim alone that Monday on Katong swimming pool and dined alone afterwards. On an unrelated note I think I swam 15 laps (1.5km) in 50 minutes. Not that fast but it was a good exercise.

After lunch time that day, we (me, Yap, and Bon) accompanied Gem was looking for looking for a swimming board at neighbourhood shop near the hawker centre that we frequent. 

Tuesday 28 Jul 15
I was hoping maybe CAL would extend an invitation to me for dinner after their swim but none was received so it couldn't be helped. Probably they just want to have some girl-time right? I had dinner alone again after my haircut that day.

Wednesday 29 Jul 15
During lunch I queued for mixed veggie rice with Gem. I asked them how was the swim and Gem said no improvement. So I also asked whether it was only 3 of them, i.e. the girls: CAL, Bon and Gem (cos May is overseas) but Gem said no because Yap was there.

Yap, who is a guy, was there.

It may be a petty thing, but it's not so petty to me as I would further elaborate it. When Gem unwittingly revealed that Yap was there I felt betrayed. I felt worthless. I then established and deduced very easily that Bon saying that she was not comfortable swimming with guys, was just an excuse. Come to think of it, why is she not comfortable swimming with guys when she go diving with a lot of other guys before? Something must be inherently very wrong, right?

We were still queuing for our turn to order the food but my mind already went clouded and Gem probably could see this and asked me not to think too much. I told her about the whole thing about Bon saying that she is not comfortable swimming with guys and but Yap was there. I also told her directly that I feel disappointed but thankful that she revealed that to me.

Bon wasn't lunching with us that day. But after we had our food on the table, I was very quiet when having lunch and couldn't finish my even half of my food that day. I think Gem realized that she ought not have to revealed that to me by then because everyone knows that I'm not the type to waste food.  I really lost my appetite and just left the table to roam aimlessly alone before lunch time is over.

I complained to 3 other persons that day over Whatsapp: May, Nik and Sop and told the three that I was really disappointed in Bon. Nik tried the hardest to comfort me. I wept quietly in my cubicle for at least 3-4 times after lunch and once in the toilet cubicle. It's really hard for me to control my tears these days.

The evening time just so that I don't think too much, I decided to cycle to Katong (being the nearest swimming complex near Marine Parade) and swim on my own again. I finished 15 laps again within 50 minutes, which fairly seemed like my average speed now. 

Afterwards, I cycled to Tanjong Katong to have KL hokkien mee from the stall that we all had once visited together after badminton group which I remembered CAL kind of liked. At that same moment, Nik messaged me again trying to persuade me not to think too much about it and that I'm better than that, i.e. better than drowning myself in sorrows and be hateful. She also told me that Bon opened up to her that night (which is very uncommon) to say that Bon felt bad about that but Bon was justifying it by how she felt for for Yap because she always think that I always make Yap look stupid with his poor command of English, and that I was boastful with my intelligence and that I am arrogant. I answered so what? so she can play as the hero by making me the bad guy? Does Yap even feel that I ever offended him? 

Nik told me that she could understand why Bon felt that way and explained that probably Bon was trying to relate to Yap. Nik also repeated that she knows I am a much better person than that. I told Nik, those remarks by Bon, are just another way of saying she hates me. It's that simple.

Bon hates me. 

If Yap is that irritating (which Nik said with her own words), and Bon still could swim with Yap, meaning to Bon I am more irritating than Yap.

And If being not comfortable about swimming with guys is just an excuse, meaning I am even worse that those strangers guys who swim at Katong Swimming Pool. 

It's just simple deduction. It's just that simple. Nik said she didn't use the "hate" word and that I was thinking too much and then I replied: sometimes thinking too positively is just being ignorant of the underlying problem; the reality.

Now, why would I care so much when someone hates me? I have made enemies, I know how it is to single out someone and I know how bad it feels to be singled out. I wouldn't feel a single thing if it was another friend or acquaintance. But this is different. This friend very special to me, she is Bon.

Past few months I have gone through a lot with Bon. I had very strong feelings for her and she probably could feel that due to the extra effort I put in just to get close to her. If she felt annoyed about that I have no one to blame but myself. 

But it came to a point that I have given up, simply because it felt too depressing: not being able to tell someone that you love her so much because the friendship (along with the rest of the group) will be at stake. It came to a point that I say to myself I will love her unconditionally, if I cannot be her lover (which in any case it's impossible due to age difference and how my parents would react because she being 6 years older), maybe as a her brother, maybe not even that, but maybe just as a good friend. At this point in time I had stopped pestering her. I had stopped messaging her or give her special attention. I told myself since I am always happier with CAL why not I shift my focus to CAL who's another good friend?

It came to a point that I have decided that I will just be a good friend of her. I was content as long as I can see her smile. Things were getting pretty quiet because she seemed like withdrawing herself from the group past few weeks but the trip to Malaysia together seemed like spiced things up and we seemed like we were friends again. 

When I knew that Yap could join Bon despite the she saying that she was not comfortable about swimming with guys, I could only feel utter disappointment, anger, and sorrow.

After all these years we were friends: Me and Bon know each other more than she knows Yap. I also spent more time together with more much more than Yap since he is always busy with his girlfriend. Yet after so long, she is still irritated with me? with my boastfulness and arrogance? She should be better than that.

What about me being the one who always tries so hard to keep the group together. What about my efforts and contribution for Yap and everyone and even to Bon herself?

All the times I tried so hard to drive the conversation in the group while Bon was just minding her own business with her phone every time we are together. Yap is no better, he was always playing handphone games too when we are having our meal.

Always, I tried to organize badminton sessions and cycling sessions and movies and all things and make sure that no one gets left out. Every time there's new a participant, I will be the one who engages them. 

I have also tried so hard to be a good friend to Bon: Once, I waited and waited after I offered to help her get office keys from the office boy when I was in Bedok because she said she left her house keys in the office. When she lost her purse, I even went and asked a few of the cleaning janitors a few times in the hawker centre and even visited the cleaning office to help look for it. 

And every time we have any outing or activity with our friends, because we stay nearby, I make it a point to send her back until her block.

And there are also things that I have done that may be less known to her, and/or things that I did under the effect of my previous affection towards her:

Her Birthday celebration: I was the one who coordinated and organized most of the plan. I tried so hard to convince the rest not to give bicycle lock and pump as her birthday gifts and I even persisted on my own to find a better gift, i.e. a music box which she seemed to like better evidently (since she only took photo of the music box, not the bicycle pump/lock when she thanked us in the chat group). 

I always ask May what happened if she comes late or if she was on MC (which is pretty often) and I always messaged to offer her if she needs me to buy lunch for her or anything else. Once I even bought herbal tea and put it on her table for her to find the next day.

I even watched fast and furious 7 (a movie which I despised) the second time with her and the rest after watching it with my other friends, so that I could spend time with her. 

I started only to buy magnets for souvenir every time I come back for her trip because I know she likes magnet and I always let her choose first so that she could have the most choices and choose the one she liked the most.

I even have a list of what food she likes and doesn't like so that I could arrange and decide the meals to her liking every time we and our group have an outing. Of course I have been always the one aside from CAL who have to make decisions on the meal when no one else knows where they want to eat, or were simply reluctant to make decisions for the rest.

And what about all the fun time we had together? That time I insisted on going airport to send CAL's sisters after our archery sessions and when we tried so hard to do shopping just to get that 5-minute 4D show that she impulsively wanted to watch in the airport? When we woke up in the morning to catch sunrise with Nik? When we stayed until morning with CAL to catch another sunrise? When we played at the baseball range together? What about all the christmas fun we had at Nik's home? All the things even before those, All meant nothing to her?

On top of that I stopped trying to message her everyday otherwise it would annoy her; I stopped asking questions that she refused to answer, I respected her privacy; I maintained a distance for her comfort even though I missed her every single day, I was already satisfied to be just a normal friend of her. Hell, I think I treat her better as a friend, better than I treat my ex-girlfriend (I'm sorry Sese if you ever read this!)

What have I even asked from her in return?

What wrong have I even done to her?

And yet. As cruel as it may, I am disregarded. 

I can accept and receive scorns, criticism, direct jokes, insinuation, mockeries, curse, or even a literal physical slap (which I had once from her because I was pressing her bruised hand jokingly) from her or anyone in the group and I'd still be happy. 

I cannot however accept being excluded and being deprived of friendship. Because it shows that I matter less than a stranger to her.

But because I'm a good friend, I shall help her no matter how much pain it cause me. I shall exclude myself from her from now own. 

Phuket trip

last night I cried to sleep and woke up in tears.
Since when I have become so pathetic?

The day before the heartbreak

7 March 2015 - day 0

I was supposed to attend a colleague's wedding that day. I didn't because I didn't feel like it.

Instead I rode alone on my foldable bicycle to Marina Barrage on my own during hot noon time. I just bought that the week before and had great trouble when pedalling from Changi Village back to Marine Parade. I got the brakes fixed earlier that morning apparently because they were rubbing against the wheels, front and back. It was much better after the repair; I could cycle to Marina Barrage just fine. I had lunch at Satay by the Bay, 10 sticks of satay and 2 piece of lontong. I got pretty nice tan which will probably fade away after a week.

I didn't feel like attending the colleague's wedding also partly because I hoped that Nikki ("Nik") would impulsively make some plans again, which she did. She suggested that Bon visit her friend's bike shop at Kallang in order for her to get some ideas for her new bicycle.

I cycled at got back home at 2pm and was quite tired. But I looked forward to seeing both of them. I actually looked forward the most to seeing Bon. I waited until about 4pm while doing almost nothing for Nik to fetch us.

3.55pm, I walked to Bon's place (her place is just a stone throw away) carrying the big badminton bag for the game with the Indo-NUS gang, which would be at 6pm. We met below the shade near her block. She said it's the place where normally Nik will pick her up. I hoped that Nik would come late, as late as possible so we can get more together time. We don't get much of that because I had never asked her out at all.

When I met her, I took a seat which was not so near to her. A comfortable distance. We had little talks, nothing important... It's really hard to find topic, because she is generally a reserved girl and I didn't want to appear too approaching. I wasn't nervous but I just wasn't sure what to talk about. In any case, I've known her for quite long and she normally doesn't answer a lot of questions and has always been hard to approach even as a normal friend. That probably played some part as to why I didn't have a lot of things to talk about with her. She normally does not have a lot of questions to ask me anything either and it was same pattern for her too on that day.

It didn't matter. For me, it felt like my tiredness from the lone-cycling earlier just went away just by seeing her smile from the small talks we were having. I was sufficiently content with this.

I however wished that I had more eye-contact with her that time. You know what they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. I had hoped that somehow she could tell from my eyes that I have feelings for her and that she would let me try to guess whether she was the same too. But she was mostly looking away, or at her phone. It's always been this awkward if there was only both of us in one particular setting.

Nikki came about 10 minutes after. The timing was actually just nice because we were obviously not getting very chatty at all and were running out of topics. Elvic was in the car too. While she drove us to Kallang, my conversation was mostly focused with Elvic on life updates because I haven't seen him since Christmas at Nikki's place. I can drive conversations, and ask lots of questions casually as per my usual self.

I wanted to show Bon that. That I give my attention equally to everyone because I didn't want Bon feel that I was desperate to get her sole attention.

I also wanted to show the rest the same thing so that everyone maintains their impression of me that I do not give any special attention to Bon. Also, I have never consciously done so indeed. I may have, without realising but this concious effort to talk to the others, in this case, Elvic will be to make up to it.

After we reached the place and went to the shop, Nik's friend showed us a few models of the bicycle. From the few entry level that was shown to us, the $280-white-color URATA-brand mountain bike equipped with front suspension, push-button gears (Bon dislikes twist-switch gears) and disk brake in front of the wheels caught our attention the most. Beautiful thing. But Bon couldn't decide immediately there and then, so we excused ourselves to take a break at the coffee shop nearby and have some drinks while putting some more thoughts before letting Bon decide.

We started to look at our phones to see if there are better choices for second hand bikes online. We first chatted about bikes, but after a while the conversation shifted from Elvic's girlfriend and I got carried away to share about my ex-girlfriend. But relationships has always been a topic of great interest to everyone (hopefully everyone thinks the same way) and it was also in my intention to plant some ideas of how I would treat my girlfriend, if I had one, to Bon. I noticed I got carried away. I also noticed that I needed to go off soon because my badminton game was going to start at 6pm at Tiong Bahru. The conversation went back on track to Bicycles, and we then walked back to the bike shop.

She still couldn't decide by the time I needed to go. Nik and Bon dissuaded me from going but I told them I would feel bad because I was the one who organized the game and that I had shuttlecocks that the gang needed. If this wasn't an impulsive session with Nik and Bon, i.e. if I had known I will be spending my time with them that this Saturday, I wouldn't even have booked the badminton game. I would have preferred to stay and spend the time with Nik and Bon, or with whoever else, so long as Bon was there.

Also, back to the point above about me being a friend who is fair and equal to all my friends, this is also an applicable example. Elvic had to go too for a dinner with his girlfriend so we left them and I took a cab to Tiong Bahru to reach on time.

I was playing halfway when Bon suddenly messaged me on whatsapp:

"stop badminton and join us"

Bon never messaged me and I also rarely message her. This was her messaging me first and she asked me to join them! Then it seemed impossible so at first I thought it was Nik playing with Bon's phone and using it to message me. Thinking it was Nik, I replied her quoting Nik's name, to say that I could go after the game, take cab and reach Nik's place at 8.30pm. In the end I thought we have settled and agreed that our next meeting would be the following day.

I felt it was obligatory to have dinner with the Indo-NUS badminton gang after the game for 3 simple reasons: 1. It's dinner time after the game; 2. they are also my friends; 3. It's the most logical thing to do because I haven't met them for quite a while and the dinner is a just-nice catch up sessions.

A while after that I messaged Bon to ask her where had she gone with Nik. She replied and apparently they were going to cycle to test-drive the $280 white URATA bike and they were heading to Marina Barrage (which I had visited in the morning). Then she asked me to join them again while I was chatting with my badminton group and was about to finish my food. I thought she was just joking, but since she had asked for twice, I felt twice as compelled to join them, and some more since the invitation came from Bon herself. So I told them that I needed to leave soon.

This came as peculiar to the rest of the Indo-NUS badminton group because we were only dining for less than an hour so they kind of figured out: only a girl whom I was interested in would have enough persuasive power to distract me from the dinner.

Adit, who was part of the badminton group, also asked me why I was in rush. In front of the rest, I made excuse that it was only two normal colleagues who kept insisting that I join them. I have repeatedly told him that there's nothing going on and it's not like I'm leaving dinner for the sake of one girl (although actually it was). And then I handed him my whatsapp for him to see as a show to the rest.

He could see that Bon was asking me to join them and he understood. He knew of my crush on her too because I had previously told him before. I actuallly did not have difficulty showing my whatsapp conversation with Bon to Adit or and would have had difficulty to show even to anyone else because indeed there was nothing noteworthy from that conversation. I had never made any attempt to approach her, not even by texts.

She kept persuading even after I told her it will take me quite a while to get there so eventually I made my mind to go there. I have to admit that I was damn happy about that though. Did she really want to see me that badly? or was it because she ran out of topic with Nik because there were only both of them since me and Elvic left? Either way I was elated that I get to see her again for that day. I parted from my friends at 9.20pm which made the group to disassemble too because all of us had finished our dinner although we were still chatting heartily. I took cab and surprisingly reached there in 10 minutes.

Three of us chatted for about one hour. The smaller group meant the more chance me and Bon could get to engage in conversations. We were mostly chatting about our clique and a friend of Nik's husband who tried to join our the clique, whom I think was a nice guy. When we exchanged presents during the Christmas party at Nik, Bon got the present he bought which was a Tony Tony Chopper figure (not the one of those official figures that I knew). Bon seemed happy to receive that Chopper figure and because of that I would wear Chopper T-shirt when there's a cycling session hoping that it would bring the same smile to her face when she sees it. And he got my present, which was only a towel and a pair of slipper.

After that we left: both of them cycled back, and I took MRT and bus. They reached first before I reached home and they tried to get one of the spare bikes which was left at Lala's place because I had been complaining that I was really struggling to cycle that the previous week (and they really could see that I was struggling) when we cycled to Changi Village my foldable bike. It was already 12AM plus and they failed to get the spare bikes because Lala was already asleep by then. I told them that it was very thoughtful of them but I should be alright after the adjustments to the brakes on my foldable bike.

I had previously talked to Nik that I was keen on catching the sunrise in the east when she suggested it to us and at that point in time we already planned to have it on the Sunday, i.e. the following day, 8 March 2015. At first it was only two of us: Me and Nik, because no one else seemed interested. Then, Bon's mind seemed to change during her time with Nik that day. And it was already 12 AM meaning, it was technically already Sunday and we had to set off at 4.30AM in the morning in order to catch the sunrise as it takes about 1-2 hours by bike to reach to Changi Village. Don't forget that both Nik and Bon had just finished cycling to and from Marina Barrage and only had about 4 hours left to rest before cycling again to Changi Village.

So I asked Bon what made her changed her mind to join us to catch the sunrise. She said that she felt like she owed Nik because Nik had helped her with the bike purchase. This was one of the qualities that I liked of her, that she valued her friendship so much that sometimes she doesn't take care of herself. I told her that we should just change it to afternoon cycling unless it she really wanted to catch the sunrise as well.

I did not really persuade her to just change it to afternoon cycling and selfishly refrained from doing so because I wanted her to join both of us instead. If it was changed to afternoon, there may be more joining and as I have mentioned, I'd prefer the group to be a smaller one.

She opted to catch the sunrise saying that in any case she just sleep for the rest of the day after the early morning cycle. I was happy that she said so and couldn't wait for that. So 3 of us arranged to give a call to one another at 4.15 in the morning and after that I went to slumber.