first/second? crush

My first or probably second crush from when I was around primary 4 just got married.

It was funny because this is one of the events that was quite clear in my memory.. I think my first crush should be the cute girl who sat just beside me!!!!

but then the girl who sat behind me was really playful and asked me who is my crush in the class... I couldn't possibly tell her that I liked the girl who sat just beside me, it would have been really really awkward.
So after a quick glance in the class, i noticed there's this other cute girl (who is the one who just got married) that looked like shizuka.. So I told the girl who sat behind me that I like that girl.

see how cute is Shizuka for a guy when he was in primary 4? hahaha

Then I of course thanks to that idiot, maybe the whole class kinda knew and she never talked to me. But somehow I liked her a lot till I moved to secondary... maybe..? But I liked the cute girl who sat beside me too.. hahaha.. and I liked WWF Smackdown too!! 

Funny how she had grown a bit chubby, still looking cute and there were no feelings at all after secondary school haha.. Now she is married!! Gosh how time flies, and that was a short sweet one minute of reminiscing! haha

Commencement?

I am not actually happy I graduated, with third class honours. It might be a degree not more challenging than technical degrees like engineering or science not as prestigious as Medicine Law or Dentistry and for getting only third class honours does not make me happy at all.

When I see how sons or daughters of other parents do them proud by achieving awards and medals or be the valedictorian of the ceremony by giving constant commitment to their education, it hurts me so much when I finally stopped ignoring how big my parents' support have been to me.

I did it: I graduated on time at least with an honours (and was in the verge of not getting one), and I am happy only to the extend of these facts:
1. that I won't be studying anymore, probably yes in the future, but not soon, or probably not, for good.
2. that my parents are happy I actually graduated from NUS.

Third class honours didn't give me much self esteem, nor satisfaction, but disappointment. Things could have been much better, probably if I had sacrificed more time, if I had been more committed, If I had put more effort. I haven't been cherishing the fact that I need to study since I'm just a lazy ass, but the feeling of not having putting my best-est of endeavors in my studies and actually using my parents money to study, sucks big time.

I felt so painful and so sad when a people could actually earn up to 9 awards individually during the ceremony, I felt I could have cried imagining how happy this girl's parents could be, with everyone in the hall cheering for her, and how I am just another one out of the many people. True, I might not possess talent or intelligence that she has, but when I imagine that it was not only her gift that was not wasted but also her unwavering diligence, without which I am sure she would not achieve those awards, I feel so sucky.

I am such a stupid creature, I know regrets don't and won't do any good to me but fuck it, I fucked up.
Sorry mom and dad,
Thank you mom and dad!

Commencement

sI'm not particularly happy with this so called graduation ceremony, it is named after what it is supposed to be: a start.

excited?

Graduate!

GEK1025 Reading Visual Images: B
LAJ2203 Japanese 4: B
PF4101 Dissertation: B-
PF4203 Project Dispute Management: A-
PF4304 Total Building Performance: B-
Cap: 3.24
Status: Third Class Honours

Did unexpectedly only so-so for Japs, but competition was tough, probably that's why.
Dissertation is disappointing but I have no one else to blame, EVERYBODY must have done better for their FYPs, FML.
Did unexpectedly good for a module not of my caliber/forte, the last minute study and only 2-hour of sleep for that particular paper was worth it, a law (but-not-so-law) module gave me A-!!!!! MY SECOND CORE MODULE TO GET an A-!!! How cool is that hahaha. I always do better with the mentors that I am in favor of and to whom I pay great respect.

So yeah, 4 semester of (not-so-much-of) hardwork has now officially ended = )
Hope the rest are doing fine too

The grateful feel

After drawing some birthday cards which seemed to become a tradition that particular semester, i.e. last semester, I decided to stop since it is actually quite tiring to draw and it sucks when the guy don't really like your drawing.
Other than the funny moments during the drawing process, i.e. trying to make the face look funny or sth like that, and then the satisfaction felt after the drawing is done, there's not much feelings involved into the whole process of making a card.

During the AGM which marked the end of my term being an MC, I received a handmade card as a token, thinking of this occasion: I'm not gonna be an active member of NUSSU CBLC anymore after graduation, with a drawing of my face on it and somehow I feel really really really happy and grateful. Because not only it looked good but also efforts were spent on the making on the card.

Although maybe because mainly it's the drawing, it's the same feel when a photographer (which is normally me as well) for social arrangements like events, or trips, is included in a picture. It's the same feel when a portrait artist's face is drawn as a portrait.

But another thing to be grateful for is how much appreciation I can feel from the messages on the card.

Thank you so much!!
really thank you! =)

just in case the rest of you who wonders how does the card look like.

one side

and the other side

Post exam feeling

Do you all feel this way?
Like, finishing exam this time is not as exciting as it used to be. Since It might be our last exams as students, somehow I don't feel as excited and instead I didn't want the exams to be over because once it's over, it marks the end of my life, as a student.

It's not that I don't want to look forward and ahead to the next stage, but I probably need some days to take some rest, reflect on the things that I have done in my undergraduate years, think of what can be improved on and recall on the past events that I may want to treasure as fond memories.

Really, instead of feeling extremely happy, I feel a bit sad. Graduation won't be a goodbye but it's definitely gonna mean that university fun is not for me anymore. I'm not limiting myself to have fun, when I have fun from this onwards, it won't be as a university student anymore so yeah...

After this, I'm just gonna continue looking for a job, and be self-sustaining. I had some a very normal talk with my cluster mate about job (since he's a graduating student also) and he was real worried about this since he didn't apply only until he finished his exams (means just recently). It's not like I have secured a job either, in fact he's got a back up plan to be a research assistant but I'm still honestly still in this kind of mood and Job is one of things I don't want to hear about yet.
However, after this few days, hopefully the I can brush up my feelings again and get my ass working on what I'm supposed to do again.

Kay, exams are over.......yay..................

This shall be the last time I study for my core module.. Please let this be.

Yes.
This shall be!!!

busy day Xo

It's gonna be a hell of a busy day today:
9am meeting for tutorial
10am-12pm tutorial
12-2pm meeting for project
2-4pm midterm
4-6pm duty at yih (ok rest time)
6-7pm free
7-8pm tutorial
8pm onwards go see parents at near east cost
after that faster sleep
class starts at 9am the next day....
WAHLAUUUUHHHHHEEHHHHH

There's still tomorrow

My Japanese teacher has always given us great songs that I will remember for quite a long time.

Yes rather than BEG, KARA, SNSD, WONDERGIRLS, etc (Personal attacks to K-pop otakus, lolzomg) I still prefer songs that are more meaningful. I don't hate K-pop, I especially like the slow songs like the only-wind only-wind or the 7989, but yes, Japanese songs are made with extra effort, soul and heart.

I was feeling quite blue today still under the effect of disgust of myself not being able to draw properly but the music played during the Jap class today made my day!
It's composed just nicely to cheer you up, and it's actually a remake of a very old song (as early as 1963), same tune same title slightly different lyrics: Ashita ga aru sa (There's still tomorrow).

(Source: My teacher, a Japanese) It's re-made during the year 2000 where Japan had a very bad economy downturn and a lot of people were worryingly depressed. This song were played times and times to get the spirit up, and yes, I do feel it has got something in it.

If you are feeling stressed, depressed, down, blue.
This is just the right song for you unless your FYP deadline is today (so there should be no more FYP deadline tomorrow muhahahahhahahah)

(GOT TRANSLATION, exciting lyrics ^^)

RA pick-up lines

I was just amazed by how beautiful a Cluster Leader from one of our blocks looks.

She had a problem with her Cluster, i.e. food theft so I thought of saying this pick-up line which came to my mind out of the blue (If I was a more carefree guy, I would say it haha).

"So your food has got stolen? We have that every semester, as long as your heart is not yet stolen it's okay"

So, yeah, I was also doing room verification when another line came to me

"Uhm, yeah, sorry, You how come you are staying at a guy's Cluster? I need to your details for admin purposes and your phone number to call you when I feel bored and lonely"

Of course that is just a creepy thing if I actually said that.

There's this saying that my friend reminded me: it means:

男人不坏女人不爱

"Guys not naughty (playful), Girls won't like" (pardon, the bad grammar, not sure how to translate it correctly).
Maybe indeed I should start to be less conserved and start exploring the lake! ......

Resident Assistant William

This semester, would be my last semester of becoming an RA.

I'd have to say as the years goes, the enthusiasm inside me, the passion, interest and whatever you call it, of being an RA compared with the excited me when I just became one 2.5 years ago, has diminished so much.

I have to also admit that, the RA team itself played a big role:
before becoming an RA, the bunch of the RAs are very passionate ones, very very much the inspiring people, and the role models.

Freshman William: "YES!! I DEFINITELY WANT TO BE AN RA!! FUCK FREE STAY, I'D DO IT EVEN IF THE PAY IS MINIMAL. GO WILLIAM GO!!!"

Sophomore William: Noob team, all noob (noob as in newbies), but I was excited, we were excited, the team was exciting, they had arguments and I was always the neutral guy. We learnt our lessons, we grew up from small kids to young men, really? did I grow up?

Junior William: My second year as an RA, yes, everything's normal, oh shit, what's with this person? am I going to bear it until I graduate? oh shit, just do the jobs and be done with the semester. Oh, no.....

Well, the mountains has no limits, there are always one higher mountain than another ones if you know what I mean. Though in my senior year, I had to admit that I actually haven't really matured yet. There are a lot of fruitful learning opportunities, and of course useful values that you need to cherish but over the time that value just depreciate.

Not so far away from me, the guy who stays next block is a very good example. Always so supportive of the group, he can bear with one of the nuisances, and he's creative and also passionate. Probably because he just joined for a short while and he has got no other CCAs. But one of the person I admire since he: the things he does are simple, nothing new, ideas that can just come to everyone, but the great effort put in, the way he convince everyone else to does it, his passion, Those are what I'm lacking, are what he possess.

This final semester, at the very least, I'm gonna make it memorable to myself. Although there are certain things or attitude that I like to see from a certain member, well, in life I would say, you meet with such people all the time and how you adapt to them is what makes you a team player who can contribute regardless of the members, is what you are supposed to be. And I that by saying memorable, I shall graduate with the equal amount of passion as I had when I first became an RA.
I might not be able to be as inspiring as those people whom I admired. At the very least, I have to hold some pride of being able to last 3 years with the title Resident Assistant holding the same values: to serve the NUS Community (sounds like some other clubs' motto? hahaha)

Being an RA has thought me a lot of things. I wouldn't be thinking the way I think now, if it's not for the trainings that OSA had us attend, the matured, and graduated senior RAs, meeting new people all the time and having the chance to interact with them, the problems from residents, arguments, bearing with unlikeable beings, prioritizing commitments, fun, teamwork, communications, whatsoever.

I'm glad.
I thank myself for having the desire to becoming RA,
I'm so pretty much grateful from all people who have supported me, giving me feedback, taught and assisted me in this three years.

Yes. :)

The clock is ticking...
secondsminuteshoursdaysweeksmonthsyearsdecades and life seem so short.
few more weeks away to real life.
Let's go guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just..

The tension wasn't there, even during the test.
Well, partially because I bear no respect towards the lecturer simply because I don't like him, and I think he sucks, given him as one of NUS lecturers.
I only attended first and the last lecture, had no idea what was going on, didn't feel nervous at all though bearing in mind that I'm gonna screw up.

Nevertheless I still prepared the research to be used in the open book exam, as usual, last minute preparation till morning; And yes, on the contrary, as expected, 2-hour-sleep simply just won't give you enough 'spirit' to concentrate.
I didn't feel the seriousness of the test and was numb from the tension; The weird confidence for nothing, the lack of focus, the unpreparedness for the test summarize pretty well that I'm gonna screw up for this module.

It's the contradiction within myself again: I can't be bothered to even score even in the most decent way but I will feel bad if I screw up as well. I only noticed that after coming out from the exam hall.
This time, confirm plus chop and guarantee that my result's gonna be bad for this module.
Darn....

Oh well..

The me and me of a slacker: Me

"Yeah, I'm okay",
"Nah, I haven't started, still slacking around"
 "No no, I'm not studying yet, but not playing game either, just slacking around"

Those are what I've been saying to the people who kept wondering why I'm not with my lecture notes or textbooks.

Partially it's procrastination: where you think that everything's gonna make it somehow for you; or when you think you are smart when you are not and keep delaying when you think you can finish early (it's part of the definition of procrastination)
Partially it's the lack of interest: "what the hell man, why should I be studying the subject I don't like?"
Partially it's also the carefree part of me still dominating against the worrywart part of me.

But when I actually die-die try (wow a pun!) to freaking start when almost everyone else is ready, the worrywart part of me suddenly turned against that carefree counterpart: it's like it's saying to the other:
"Wahlaneh, u see lah, u see lah!! now u know you have so much to study!!! HOW TO FINISH U STUPID ARSEHOLE!! told you to start early u kept delaying"

And the third person is like the person between them which is the decider and the me:
The carefree me will tell this third person:
"Aiyah that guy so noisy, relack lah, relack(relax).. take your time take your time"
The worrywart me will be like:
"Wah, you still listen to that guy, you want to die issit, want to die issit? later fail how? HOW???"

Yeah, slacking is bad but the other counterpart of me is not a good motivation to study either.
Darn...! DARN!!!!
"STOP THE NOISE BOTH OF YOU!!"

CBLC YIH

The main points are:
-It's comfy
-Can use computer and access internet
-everytime you go there, surely there'll be someone that you know
-even if it's not everytime, everytime when you are going there, you'd hope to see the people you know.

Which why now, YIH CBLC is like R2 lounge in the campus

CBLC admission this year

I don't feel that there's is a need to justify myself because I feel that I've put enough objectivity when I voiced my opinion that was probably influential on the decision of who would be the publicity cell members of NUSSU CBLC.

However, no matter what I say, it's bound that there would be someone out there who would find me biased, and I do not know whether it's really true or it's just my feeling.
Just in case that there is, I would like to give clarifications on the selection criteria:

1. You've gotta have a strong portfolio on publicity. Those who have a very impressive portfolio in terms of design, would have much more say to be in the publicity team, since publicity in CBLC in general is about designing skills.
I'm not saying that I'm not impressed on the portfolio that belongs to those who were unsuccessful in admission, but simply because the vacancy is limited and objectively I have to be stringent on the selection.

2. Nevermind the portfolio, show us what you've got else-what: Those who does not hold any portfolio or even designing skill, we'll look at other things like how a person can publicize a thing without having waste time on designs like campaigns, publicity actions that can give the delivery of the intended message to the public.
You can do stunts, weird and catchy actions? You can do props? You have more chance to be admitted.

3. Nevermind all those thing that I've mentioned: You don't have any design portfolio to begin with and when asked for any outstanding non-design related means of publicity that you could think of, you couldn't have any ring of bell in your mind? You just have to show passion: Very much of it. This is what mainly the interview is for: to judge whether you've got it (passion), whether you've got a value added thing: confidence, fun, etc.
I believe that some of you might not be accepted, not because you've got no passion: but you've not managed to have shown it to us. Even if you have managed to, others might have got the skill to show more.
After all, the point of the interview is that you've gotta be able to publicize yourself to us that you've got what it takes to strike an point of interest.
----
CBLC would have be more fun with the existence of some of you: I truly believe in that; and with that you should know that I had a hard time on deciding who should be in the team.
----
That's for publicity.

I'm a good senior & a bad one

I'm a good senior since I feel that I've managed to reach out to my juniors in terms of social interactions, it's doesn't feel like that when I was an underclassman.

I'm also a bad senior since I can't be a role model in terms of education, grades and whatever it is to my juniors.

the CBLC Pub Manyzer

The misspelling is a reference from "Money not Enough too" by Jack Neo.

But yeah, it's my year four and I'm an RA, I don't even need a point to stay anymore, and why the heck am I still the Pub Manager for NUSSU CBLC after all this tiredness? Taking up this position has caused me till up to few days ago: nothing but complaints, masked expression to the rest of the committee, the feeling of unfairness, and more exhaustion and stress.
"can't be helped, because the previous Pub Manager doesn't want to take the job anymore and no one else was willing to" I said, "So, it's like kena arrowed"
"Furthermore, Mike was like, 'nonk, if you go for it, I'll apply as an MC as well!'.. So it was another point of persuasion, more people you know more fun mah"

But, probably it's the bean's thingy that forced me to take up the job. I felt somewhat obligated (read: burdened) to do something for CBLC. I don't need to know about who voted for whom, or how others feel about me, but CBLC is an organization, a totality of the members and I'm serving the organization. Not the chairman or other members of the Managing Committee.

This is the least that I can do, which is to become the CBLC pub manager. Wish me luck till the end of my term. Till I graduate~!

Freshman-kind and Senior-ship

Not a very valid vocabulary used for the title for this post, Where the abstract-noun form of senior could have been "seniority" and I can't really find the correct word for "freshman", so there they go, containing the implication of the state of being a freshman/senior along with their respective community. *yeah whatever*

But yeah, recently, This so-called-three-month-holiday a period on which you learn more intangible things, this time, other than internship (oh yeah, damn, haven't posted about internship), and some regular annual Matric Fair and RA's Welcome Fest, We'll talk about "orientation": in other words for seniors, engagement with freshmen (like getting to know them, sharing your precious knowledge with them, and stuffs)

There's this kind of spell from the freshmen that makes the seniors try to get the freshmen's attention. I'm not sure what that spell is but, the seniors are so blinded and attracted by the freshmen, and the seniors who are supposed to be busy with all kinds of other things, surprisingly put orientation in higher priority than those all kinds of other things, or maybe even the trivia things that you do with those seniors, as your friends.

Well, what I'm speculating here is not any spell that is really the matter, but the need for attention or cultivating new relationships with new people, which is apparently an urge for most of the seniors here. I see it less in female seniors, but I'm guessing, this year, the male seniors got attracted by some very very fanciful or attractive female freshmen, and of course, to be able to socialize with those freshmen and not to look so obvious that you are so interested with them, the seniors approach the interesting freshmen along with other fellow freshmen as a group.

Of course it is acceptable for seniors to be interested to some of the attractive fellas, I can't deny that there are indeed these attractive bunches, but when you start to divide yourselves into groups, and say "oh I have OG(Orientation Group) outing"; or "I'm taking lunch with my OG, he's having lunch with his"; the seniors, which are normally the OG leaders, has the image of getting more and more separated, just because they want to get more attention from their OGs..

Worse, when you start to take leave days, or forgot about your priorities, just because you want to be in the OG and participate in the orientation program. For goodness' sake, we are seniors and we are supposed to know our priorities, when the seniors are in a managing committee of a club, and on one of these crucial periods of clubs being in need of manpower, and the senior bearing the unspoken responsibility to be the manpower in need, chose OG programs or events over this resposibility.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the orientation, I was having fun, relieving all of my stress after my last day of internship that time, and got to know few freshmen. I tried to get their attention too, yeah, for another reason, so that they can participate in the Welcome Fest or any other affiliations I'm in. I'm not sure about my feelings right now, but I'm one of those who look for attention but I don't enjoy too much of it. True, maybe, that I wish to get close to maybe one or two cute looking freshmen and open my chance to getting myself into a relationship *wtf am I talking about*, but, another maybe, too bad, probably I'm not so much of a attention seeker kind of guy. I prefer, left4dead or dota to spending my time with freshmen, esp. girls, when I don't really have anything to say to them.
The word is: "can't really be bothered".

Ok I digressed but, yes, things like tense moments during the orientation itself because the organizing committee had the internal conflict which I was and am not really aware of; tense moments between a member of the committee and one of the group leaders; seniors getting less so close as before anymore because they channel more of their attention to the freshmen; forgotten priorities; and probably *sincere apologies for getting frank*, the fact that orientation may be treated as the opportunity to getting freshmen to particular fellowships; etc.
All these things are prone to happen, some of them are wrong, some of them might not be wrong but they are just not according to my principals.

Orientations should be a means to get your people together, but what I've seen this year, are that seniors are too thirsty of attention and that there are invisible cracks (I'm not sure but I have a gut feeling that they exist, that's why it's "invisible") that is on the surface of relationships among seniors.
I'm happy to have known that there are new people on my facebook contact list that I can refer as new acquaintances or friends, and I hope that those new people have benefited from us, seniors. But I also hope that we, seniors, can get our visions straight again, if you think what I've said is reasonable.

If you feel that I've said too much on this time's post and you may feel that I'm talking about one of you, I may be indeed talking about you, and I apologize for some of the parts which may have seemed as unpleasant but this is my honest opinion I'm writing.

back to harsh posts

Fuck.. I don't feeling committing, when everyone else is not putting their hearts into it.
Theoretically, to make it more dramatic, or more politically correctly, normally you will say to yourself: "No man, you should be the one who brings up everybody's spirit up, so that they will be willing to contribute"

what the fuck, what a nonsense, why not we phrase it like, "Hey people, get up and move your arses and get them working, I was arrowed and forced to take the job, but at least I still tried my best to fulfill my responsibility, you guys volunteered to take yours, so why not show MORE?"

wtf. Things are so unorganized:
few weeks ago, things like
"eh, how come you don't have the centre keys?"
wtf, no one told me that I'm supposed to hold a key, in fact nobody gave me no keys till when I asked for it.
---or---
"I wasn't informed of this"; "really? yeah, actually your chair is the liaison, he should have passed you all the documents right?"
---or---
"so who's in charge of welcome tea?"
it was so near, and no one was assigned till recently, wtf.
---or---
"oh william, can you go and liaise with them and get back to me by friday?"
Yeah, why does publicity get more shit?
---or---
"eh william, how come nobody's helping you for the decoration? how come you are on duty basically everyday all slots?"
too bad, nobody wants to commit.
---or---
"eh I saw the email, but forgot to reply, so I'm not doing duty"
If I don't reply, the rest no reply? Ghosts jaga the centres ah?
---or---
"so you don't know the password for the admin account? who does?"
---or---
"where's the LCD for the printjob status?"
fuck how do i know.. now where's the cashcard machine? who's the liaison with comcen or whatever? We can delay everything just because there's a construction now can we?
---or---
"I'm jaga-ing my booth for other CCA"
for godness' sake! you are the management committee.. Set your priorities man

really, I wasn't expecting such un-professional-ism and such low level of commitment. In RA job, we are expected to take leave even from our internship to support our events. Nobody seemed willing to take any during matric fair. I wasted my time just for preps and taking care of the booth for the whole slots. Some people just do what they were told to and there is no initiative from the rest to ask what are still there to be done, what are the things which are unfinished.
I thought I would experience fun moments preparing for matric fair with the rest of the members, but most are committed in the matric fair main comm, internships and other CCA, While I purposely requested to be freed from RA duty during the matric fair so that I could commit to the CCA in which I'm one of the management committee.

Cibai, worse still, there was an ongoing politics saying that there should me more locals in the committee since the INDONESIANs tend to go back during the breaks and stuff, but in the real fact most of the time, the ones jaga-ing the booth for matric fair were INDONESIANs.. What are you getting at if we are more committed than you are, it's fucking unfair to discriminate by nationalities if you can't get your own arse committed.

Maybe not a lot of people will read this but, if you feel that you are one of the people I condemn, no matter which nationalities, years, faculty you are in, I'm telling you this: I expected something more. Something more fun, something more engaging and something more that would make me say, "I'd love to stay in this club" not "I wish my term would end soon so that I can pass my responsibilities to other people".