The time I prayed for myself

Venny, whom recently got close to me, was showing me a youtube link about an Asian couple feature in the "Jubilee" channel. They were together for 7 years and when the guy was asked, what did he love about his partner, he said this:

"You are everything that I prayed for"

I didn't bring the conversation about that further and only agreed with her that the Asian couple do look quite sweet together, but that statement set me reminiscing about the two things:

1. the time when Cynthia said she wish me good luck in her prayer (she's a Catholic)

2. the time I actually prayed for myself a few weeks ago after things fell apart.

I am not a religious person, for I consider myself a free-thinker, but I don't despise or reject the notion of wishing for something for someone's sake in prayer because I still do this in front of the several altars in my house which is meant for praying to the select Chinese/Confucian gods and of course our ancestors. Because there's nothing to lose.

Since I decided that I don't believe in gods or any of this kind of supernatural stuff, every time I pray (nonetheless skeptically), I would only wish for all my family members to be blessed with health, safety, and happiness.

It means I don't really care what happens with me (not that I believe that it will work anyway) but for me, to put the someone in the prayer, this action is only reserved for someone whom I truly care for. And I took it that way when Cynthia said that she included me in her prayer. It meant a lot to me. It thought it meant that she cared.

She probably did for a short while or were taking the word "prayer" too lightly.

In the end, she didn't. That's when things fell apart and I didn't know I would sink again like that time. A lot of friends told me that my face was always black. Mike suggested to me just to have faith and go to that Bugis Kwan Yin temple to pray. At that point in time, we happened to be around that area to have lunch after the weekly Sunday badminton.

So I went to the temple, whilst trying to hold my tears, I finally prayed and begged for something for myself.

"Please don't make it hurt badly. Please let me have the strength to endure"

And such was my simple prayer.

It did hurt very badly. I read a book that hit home a few days later and I felt better for a short while. However, until now I have yet to move on completely and I still think of Cynthia, unable to accept what went wrong.

Thankfully Venny's been a good companion so far and has possibly helped a lot in moving on.

Maybe I should go and pray again.

ACK Chapter Closed

Just slightly shy of 2 months, I have been in a weird emotional turmoil

In September 2019 I thought I met a girl whom I was very sure I want to marry one day, even more certain than any of my ex-es or potential girls whom I was ever close to.

Everything was going so well, we were so close, we met a few times and we held hands and hugged.

Then came October 2019, when she started to cool down and put up a distance with various reasons, in chronological order:

1. she was unsure if I were to stay in Singapore for long term or not (citing the case of her sister who's stuck in a small town of Palembang because her brother in law has to take over his family business);
2. she was testing herself to put that distance;
3. she thought that we got too intimate and it's good to give us some time;
4. she liked me less and was uncertain now, and suggested that I should open myself to new possibilities;
5. I was getting annoying to her and she was certain that she didn't want any relationship with me;
6. she only liked me as a friend now and I'm getting creepy for worshipping her too much.

So during the phone call that was meant to wish her a birthday (30 Oct) she really seemed uninterested to talk. Although she thanked me for the gifts, She told the flowers that I sent anonymously which she knew were meant to make her day did not really make her day at all.

In fact, to her, she was starting to get creeped out by this gesture especially on how I knew about her office address (to which I admitted I felt bad but I knew from her Linkedin account and googled her office address). In any case, I think she was unimpressed with my sketch of her portrait and felt like I have done too much. She hadn't read the letter that I prepared.

She described to me how her feelings to me went from something to nothing and eventually clarified that she only likes me as a friend and since we do not have any common friends she was prepared to even cut ties with me.

So I thought to myself this was the end. This girl was responding to me out of pity and guilt because she knew that she had led me on too much.

But I cannot blame her either because I admit that I lacked patience and my own sense of security, where I orchestrated my own downfall without me realizing it.

I was obsessed and probably still am a little bit.

However, this shall be a learning point and I can only grow from this.

Emotional Support

The possibility of going to a relationship with Cynthia seems to be waning and I got really insecure to the point that I disappointed her and made her angry. 

One turning point was when I was missing her so much and wanted to see her so badly, she denied me the opportunity to meet her even just for a while even though we had previously agreed that I would greet her at the airport on 13 October 2019. 

She still maintained her cold stance even after she landed in Singapore. I wanted to ask her what was the problem and why did she maintain the distance. I asked her if she can call me to explain even just for 5-10 minutes, just to get a stern phone call from her an hour later.

Things only went downhill from there, and after about one week plus of almost not talking to her, we met up again.

Since the week of mid-October 2019, my emotion has been a messy train wreck, with a mixture of anger (mostly towards myself), denial, disappointment, sadness, etc. (sounds like 5 stages of grief?).
I had trouble concentrating at work and I couldn't even sleep properly

I have been reaching out to my sister Cindy and my close friends especially Michael, Andy A., Augustina, Benny, Vony, Arta, Johnny Lim, Vincent Z, Jessica E, Praj, Christina for the emotional support for which I am extremely grateful to have.

I'm glad to be blessed with the friendship with these people.

I have also drowned myself in Mark Manson's books the "Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck" and "Everything is Fucked - a book about hope"; and the Garry Chapman's "Five Language of Love".

From these books, I learned that the much insecurity and disappointment that I experienced is precisely because I have expectations to be loved back, and that is it more of an "obsession" rather than actual love.

Despite what I previously told Cynthia, that it doesn't matter whether we end up together or not and what matters was only if she felt happy, this statement ended up as just hypocritical bullshit because deep down I did feel entitled to receive affection because of the things I had done for her.

The word "obsession" hits home hard because that is exactly what had happened to me before. Even, Vony told me the same thing.

I had to be reminded by these books that true love is unconditional and is not based on hope but is in spite of it. It doesn't hope or expect, but because it is what one is willing to do no matter what the other person thinks about him/her.

This gave me an insight as to why I had not experienced any long relationship before because after the passion died off because I did not know how to love or I was not willing to.

However, I still have yet to lose hope even though based on Mark's latest book, I learned that it is this hope that is fucking me up emotionally.

I am still holding on to the words that I told her during our last meeting of 22 October 2019, that she is different and I know that she is the one for me. I just wish that someday I can be the one for her.

A Cynthia K. first five dates

Date 1
7 September 2019 - 1PM - 6PM
First time meeting
Coffee at Homeground coffee roaster at Joo Chiat, as we both like coffee, and we both like it black. She likes bitter-tasting stuff.

Took grab to the Sports Hub for to the Japanese Summer Festival to watch Pikachu which in the end was only 5 minutes long. We ate takoyaki, donuts from Haritts (she wanted to try green tea flavour)
We sat at the spectators' seat which was a bit far from the small centre stage but leaned against each other while watching Pikachu and the other following shows.
We just chat and chat and left because she has another appointment.
Memorabilia: Entry Ticket

Date 2
9 September 2019 - 8.30 PM - 11:30PM
late because of meeting at HQ.. Boss also busy for big casting the following day.
One Piece Stampede 20th Anniversary Movie. Dinner was Mc Donald's fries which we snuck into the cinema. Tried to hold her hands during the movie but failed. Anyway, it was a lame movie, it would be lame to hold hands during that movie and it may be too early.

I was a bit shocked during parting time that she gave a friendly hug as I was unused to this. I was also very happy and slept with a big grin.
Memorabilia: Movie Ticket

Date 3
10 September 2019 - 10PM - 11.15PM
impromptu date because in the morning she cancels the preplanned date to watch Makoto Shinkai "Weathering with You" on Friday 13 September 2019.
I was even more surprised especially the hug from the previous day I thought everything was going well.

So I requested for an impromptu date with her and ate at Chao Chao Gyoza. I clarified to her that I was actually still looking forward to more dates with her. She responded that the feeling is mutual. I felt really happy to hear that. We set for a movie date for upcoming Sunday (12 September 2019).

Again, she gave me a hug before she left and I hugged back still a bit awkwardly (but better than the previous day) this time round. Have second thoughts about holding her hands too fast. I felt really happy too.
Memorabilia: Movie Ticket 1 pcs

Date 4
15 September 2019 - 6PM - 10PM
Meeting at Paya Lebar Quarter which is a new mall. At first, she was only planning to meet only until 8 to which I expressed that it was too short, but she said that was in consideration to me having to send Mom off to the airport the following morning.

after some chit chat at Starbucks Reserve we decided to watch "Hustler" (JLo, Constance Wu). Just like the previous movie session, during the movie, our upper arms were touching the entire time as we were leaning towards one another. Despite the advice from Mike not to, I desperately wanted to grab and hold her hand.

Halfway thru the movie, I noticed that she looked cold as she was switching between folding her arms and putting her hands in the below her thighs as if to warm it up. So I asked if she was feeling cold and she said yes. I proceeded to just move the armrest up and said "can I just.." she understood and place her hand on the seat and my left hand conveniently grabbed her right hand.

After the movie, we walked around and had Mom's Touch (Korean Fried Chicken), but when we were walking around holding hands, it feels a bit awkward due to the height difference. We left about close to 10PM and again I got a hug as a goodbye.
Memorabilia: Movie Ticket 2 pcs

Cancelled Date 5/and Pre-Date 5
20 September 2019, 12:45PM
Cynthia comes to Novena to pass me two slices of Chiffon cake from Surabaya that she got from her friend. It was just for five minutes but the fact she made her way from her work (well even though it wasn't that far) was just so sweet. So did the Chiffon cake (plain and mocha flavour). At this point, hugging before parting has become a norm.

This was after I had to cancel the date from the previous day (19 Sept 2019, or it's a special date of 19/9/19) but due to late meetings at work that I had to attend to, I regretfully canceled the date at about 7pm and left office close to 10pm. I made reservations at Blue Label Pizza for 8pm a few days before.

Date 5
21 September 2019, 12:45PM - 7PM
I was slightly late because I was looking for an envelope for the love letter that I planned to pass to her on 19 September. We had the thin dip-udon from Inaniwa Yosuke at Wisma Atria Japan food town.

Afterwards, on our way to look for some coffee we stopped by the Dark Gallery, where we chanced upon her friend, Michael, whom she knew from Seattle. This was the first time I talked to any of her friends whom was quite nice. She gave a Michael a quick hug before they part so I thought to myself it's just a friendly hug that she gave me in our Date 2. I shouldn't have reacted awkwardly but I guess it was cool.

When we finally grabbed our cold brews from Glyph, we met another friend of hers, Jaime. She said Jaime is damn rich and is a socialite. Jaime looked like a humble and friendly one.
So onto our main date which was to watch Ad Astra at her favourite hipster kind of cinema called the Projector (at it was indeed full of hipster and does have it's own kind of charm). We cuddled the entire movie and her head was against my shoulder most of the time. It was a long movie but was not bad, I thought it would have been a more emotional movie.
We didnt have dinner together as she had prior appointments. I passed her the love letter before she left.
Memorabilia: A love letter dated 19 September 2019 that she said she would treasure forever

Post Date 5
22 September 2019, 6.15PM - 8PM
We met at the F1 village as we both got the tickets. She had access to the Paddock Club while I had the ticket for Sky Suite thanks to Kamal. We did not have access to each other designated hangout places (i.e. the suite and the club), but we spent most of the time watching Hans Zimmer's performance. The performance could have been better if it was conducted indoor with a better accoustic room, but standing means I could cuddle with Cynthia most of the time which was nice.

Near the start of the F1 race, we parted at in front of Paddock Club, and took our first photo together. I do not fancy F1 that much, but I think this will be one our of sweet memories in the future.

This was the first time we took photos together

A hard fall

Monday 27 Jul 15
I was inviting CAL to swim via skype. We have been swimming together, just the two of us, for at least twice now at Jurong East Swimming Complex since last month. And for both of that time I really enjoyed the time spent with her especially when we have Kronenbourg Blanc draught beer and nice steaks at the Carving Board for dinner after the swim in both occasions.

Now even though all of us are in the same close-knitted group, I previously had a feud before with Bon because she said that she is not comfortable swimming with guys. I was persisting that even in public swimming pool there will be other guys so I was asking her what difference does it make. Bon simply answered that those are strangers who probably will see her just once. Notwithstanding that the people who goes public swimming pool on weekdays are regulars: a point that I didn't make because I respected her as I didn't want to argue with her. But I was trying to change her mind by saying that I won't do anything and even CAL is okay to swim with me. I was probably trying too hard. I realized that when I noticed that her face started to show irritation while saying that she is different from CAL. So I stopped saying anything to her that time and this was known my most of us.

I didn't really had any more intention of getting close to Bon, I had decided that I'd rather be close with CAL at that point in time. But I just thought that it would be nice to swim together as friends and maybe CAL will come to Katong to swim too if there are a few of us. 

So because this feud is known to most of us, that Bon had this pre-qualification, CAL rejected my invitation kindly saying that she will be swimming with Bon at Katong Swimming Pool. It feels kind of lonely because I was looking forward to swim with her and because she only swim every Tuesdays where the water is the cleanest. And for that Tuesday, Bon had invited her before me. But even if I had invited her first, I know CAL, being herself, she would probably cancel and swim with Bon anyway so it doesn't really matter. Notice that I have to go Jurong East to swim with CAL but CAL could willingly come to Katong to swim with Bon. 

Thankfully though, CAL promised that the following week she will swim with. But since I was not getting any swim-date with CAL this week, I decided to swim alone that Monday on Katong swimming pool and dined alone afterwards. On an unrelated note I think I swam 15 laps (1.5km) in 50 minutes. Not that fast but it was a good exercise.

After lunch time that day, we (me, Yap, and Bon) accompanied Gem was looking for looking for a swimming board at neighbourhood shop near the hawker centre that we frequent. 

Tuesday 28 Jul 15
I was hoping maybe CAL would extend an invitation to me for dinner after their swim but none was received so it couldn't be helped. Probably they just want to have some girl-time right? I had dinner alone again after my haircut that day.

Wednesday 29 Jul 15
During lunch I queued for mixed veggie rice with Gem. I asked them how was the swim and Gem said no improvement. So I also asked whether it was only 3 of them, i.e. the girls: CAL, Bon and Gem (cos May is overseas) but Gem said no because Yap was there.

Yap, who is a guy, was there.

It may be a petty thing, but it's not so petty to me as I would further elaborate it. When Gem unwittingly revealed that Yap was there I felt betrayed. I felt worthless. I then established and deduced very easily that Bon saying that she was not comfortable swimming with guys, was just an excuse. Come to think of it, why is she not comfortable swimming with guys when she go diving with a lot of other guys before? Something must be inherently very wrong, right?

We were still queuing for our turn to order the food but my mind already went clouded and Gem probably could see this and asked me not to think too much. I told her about the whole thing about Bon saying that she is not comfortable swimming with guys and but Yap was there. I also told her directly that I feel disappointed but thankful that she revealed that to me.

Bon wasn't lunching with us that day. But after we had our food on the table, I was very quiet when having lunch and couldn't finish my even half of my food that day. I think Gem realized that she ought not have to revealed that to me by then because everyone knows that I'm not the type to waste food.  I really lost my appetite and just left the table to roam aimlessly alone before lunch time is over.

I complained to 3 other persons that day over Whatsapp: May, Nik and Sop and told the three that I was really disappointed in Bon. Nik tried the hardest to comfort me. I wept quietly in my cubicle for at least 3-4 times after lunch and once in the toilet cubicle. It's really hard for me to control my tears these days.

The evening time just so that I don't think too much, I decided to cycle to Katong (being the nearest swimming complex near Marine Parade) and swim on my own again. I finished 15 laps again within 50 minutes, which fairly seemed like my average speed now. 

Afterwards, I cycled to Tanjong Katong to have KL hokkien mee from the stall that we all had once visited together after badminton group which I remembered CAL kind of liked. At that same moment, Nik messaged me again trying to persuade me not to think too much about it and that I'm better than that, i.e. better than drowning myself in sorrows and be hateful. She also told me that Bon opened up to her that night (which is very uncommon) to say that Bon felt bad about that but Bon was justifying it by how she felt for for Yap because she always think that I always make Yap look stupid with his poor command of English, and that I was boastful with my intelligence and that I am arrogant. I answered so what? so she can play as the hero by making me the bad guy? Does Yap even feel that I ever offended him? 

Nik told me that she could understand why Bon felt that way and explained that probably Bon was trying to relate to Yap. Nik also repeated that she knows I am a much better person than that. I told Nik, those remarks by Bon, are just another way of saying she hates me. It's that simple.

Bon hates me. 

If Yap is that irritating (which Nik said with her own words), and Bon still could swim with Yap, meaning to Bon I am more irritating than Yap.

And If being not comfortable about swimming with guys is just an excuse, meaning I am even worse that those strangers guys who swim at Katong Swimming Pool. 

It's just simple deduction. It's just that simple. Nik said she didn't use the "hate" word and that I was thinking too much and then I replied: sometimes thinking too positively is just being ignorant of the underlying problem; the reality.

Now, why would I care so much when someone hates me? I have made enemies, I know how it is to single out someone and I know how bad it feels to be singled out. I wouldn't feel a single thing if it was another friend or acquaintance. But this is different. This friend very special to me, she is Bon.

Past few months I have gone through a lot with Bon. I had very strong feelings for her and she probably could feel that due to the extra effort I put in just to get close to her. If she felt annoyed about that I have no one to blame but myself. 

But it came to a point that I have given up, simply because it felt too depressing: not being able to tell someone that you love her so much because the friendship (along with the rest of the group) will be at stake. It came to a point that I say to myself I will love her unconditionally, if I cannot be her lover (which in any case it's impossible due to age difference and how my parents would react because she being 6 years older), maybe as a her brother, maybe not even that, but maybe just as a good friend. At this point in time I had stopped pestering her. I had stopped messaging her or give her special attention. I told myself since I am always happier with CAL why not I shift my focus to CAL who's another good friend?

It came to a point that I have decided that I will just be a good friend of her. I was content as long as I can see her smile. Things were getting pretty quiet because she seemed like withdrawing herself from the group past few weeks but the trip to Malaysia together seemed like spiced things up and we seemed like we were friends again. 

When I knew that Yap could join Bon despite the she saying that she was not comfortable about swimming with guys, I could only feel utter disappointment, anger, and sorrow.

After all these years we were friends: Me and Bon know each other more than she knows Yap. I also spent more time together with more much more than Yap since he is always busy with his girlfriend. Yet after so long, she is still irritated with me? with my boastfulness and arrogance? She should be better than that.

What about me being the one who always tries so hard to keep the group together. What about my efforts and contribution for Yap and everyone and even to Bon herself?

All the times I tried so hard to drive the conversation in the group while Bon was just minding her own business with her phone every time we are together. Yap is no better, he was always playing handphone games too when we are having our meal.

Always, I tried to organize badminton sessions and cycling sessions and movies and all things and make sure that no one gets left out. Every time there's new a participant, I will be the one who engages them. 

I have also tried so hard to be a good friend to Bon: Once, I waited and waited after I offered to help her get office keys from the office boy when I was in Bedok because she said she left her house keys in the office. When she lost her purse, I even went and asked a few of the cleaning janitors a few times in the hawker centre and even visited the cleaning office to help look for it. 

And every time we have any outing or activity with our friends, because we stay nearby, I make it a point to send her back until her block.

And there are also things that I have done that may be less known to her, and/or things that I did under the effect of my previous affection towards her:

Her Birthday celebration: I was the one who coordinated and organized most of the plan. I tried so hard to convince the rest not to give bicycle lock and pump as her birthday gifts and I even persisted on my own to find a better gift, i.e. a music box which she seemed to like better evidently (since she only took photo of the music box, not the bicycle pump/lock when she thanked us in the chat group). 

I always ask May what happened if she comes late or if she was on MC (which is pretty often) and I always messaged to offer her if she needs me to buy lunch for her or anything else. Once I even bought herbal tea and put it on her table for her to find the next day.

I even watched fast and furious 7 (a movie which I despised) the second time with her and the rest after watching it with my other friends, so that I could spend time with her. 

I started only to buy magnets for souvenir every time I come back for her trip because I know she likes magnet and I always let her choose first so that she could have the most choices and choose the one she liked the most.

I even have a list of what food she likes and doesn't like so that I could arrange and decide the meals to her liking every time we and our group have an outing. Of course I have been always the one aside from CAL who have to make decisions on the meal when no one else knows where they want to eat, or were simply reluctant to make decisions for the rest.

And what about all the fun time we had together? That time I insisted on going airport to send CAL's sisters after our archery sessions and when we tried so hard to do shopping just to get that 5-minute 4D show that she impulsively wanted to watch in the airport? When we woke up in the morning to catch sunrise with Nik? When we stayed until morning with CAL to catch another sunrise? When we played at the baseball range together? What about all the christmas fun we had at Nik's home? All the things even before those, All meant nothing to her?

On top of that I stopped trying to message her everyday otherwise it would annoy her; I stopped asking questions that she refused to answer, I respected her privacy; I maintained a distance for her comfort even though I missed her every single day, I was already satisfied to be just a normal friend of her. Hell, I think I treat her better as a friend, better than I treat my ex-girlfriend (I'm sorry Sese if you ever read this!)

What have I even asked from her in return?

What wrong have I even done to her?

And yet. As cruel as it may, I am disregarded. 

I can accept and receive scorns, criticism, direct jokes, insinuation, mockeries, curse, or even a literal physical slap (which I had once from her because I was pressing her bruised hand jokingly) from her or anyone in the group and I'd still be happy. 

I cannot however accept being excluded and being deprived of friendship. Because it shows that I matter less than a stranger to her.

But because I'm a good friend, I shall help her no matter how much pain it cause me. I shall exclude myself from her from now own. 

Feeling down

I really highly suspect that I may have suffered from depression.

It was supposed to be a happy night: Michael Learns to Rock concert at Star Theatre, with Christina accompanying me.

The performance started with a new song which we didn't really know, then one or two songs that we obviously knew, and they proceed with playing just one song which we didnt know again, maybe just to promote their newest creation.

It sounded sentimental just like a few of MLTR's usual style, but suddenly I was tearing and weeping and I was listening to it for the first time. I thought it would have stopped after the song had ended. Another new song started playing and I tried hard just to relax and enjoy it and it felt like I couldn't control the flow from the tear duct for almost the whole extent of the song. My glasses were foggy, I didn't bring any tissue paper to wipe my cheeks and I struggled to keep quiet while weeping.

I think Chris noticed something was wrong but it was dark so I'm not sure whether she really noticed or not and she then proceeded to ask me what happened. I briefly mentioned "sorry.. too emo" in a soft tone.

Fortunately, after that things got better after MLTR started playing songs which were familiar to us and we were singing along the lyrics and ended with a very positive and cheerful note.

I still couldn't understand, even though those two songs sounded like a sad song it's not the type that it was so good that I would move into tears. It was more like I was not in a very sound mental state and the mood was just so right to let go the pent-up feeling.

It's just not right to cry without a legit reason in a concert where there is a crowd, and some more beside a friend who came to have fun. There is definitely something wrong with me, something seems like broken.

"This too shall pass" is what Chris told me probably 2 months ago... Seems like it hasn't passed yet till to-date.

The day before the heartbreak

7 March 2015 - day 0

I was supposed to attend a colleague's wedding that day. I didn't because I didn't feel like it.

Instead I rode alone on my foldable bicycle to Marina Barrage on my own during hot noon time. I just bought that the week before and had great trouble when pedalling from Changi Village back to Marine Parade. I got the brakes fixed earlier that morning apparently because they were rubbing against the wheels, front and back. It was much better after the repair; I could cycle to Marina Barrage just fine. I had lunch at Satay by the Bay, 10 sticks of satay and 2 piece of lontong. I got pretty nice tan which will probably fade away after a week.

I didn't feel like attending the colleague's wedding also partly because I hoped that Nikki ("Nik") would impulsively make some plans again, which she did. She suggested that Bon visit her friend's bike shop at Kallang in order for her to get some ideas for her new bicycle.

I cycled at got back home at 2pm and was quite tired. But I looked forward to seeing both of them. I actually looked forward the most to seeing Bon. I waited until about 4pm while doing almost nothing for Nik to fetch us.

3.55pm, I walked to Bon's place (her place is just a stone throw away) carrying the big badminton bag for the game with the Indo-NUS gang, which would be at 6pm. We met below the shade near her block. She said it's the place where normally Nik will pick her up. I hoped that Nik would come late, as late as possible so we can get more together time. We don't get much of that because I had never asked her out at all.

When I met her, I took a seat which was not so near to her. A comfortable distance. We had little talks, nothing important... It's really hard to find topic, because she is generally a reserved girl and I didn't want to appear too approaching. I wasn't nervous but I just wasn't sure what to talk about. In any case, I've known her for quite long and she normally doesn't answer a lot of questions and has always been hard to approach even as a normal friend. That probably played some part as to why I didn't have a lot of things to talk about with her. She normally does not have a lot of questions to ask me anything either and it was same pattern for her too on that day.

It didn't matter. For me, it felt like my tiredness from the lone-cycling earlier just went away just by seeing her smile from the small talks we were having. I was sufficiently content with this.

I however wished that I had more eye-contact with her that time. You know what they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. I had hoped that somehow she could tell from my eyes that I have feelings for her and that she would let me try to guess whether she was the same too. But she was mostly looking away, or at her phone. It's always been this awkward if there was only both of us in one particular setting.

Nikki came about 10 minutes after. The timing was actually just nice because we were obviously not getting very chatty at all and were running out of topics. Elvic was in the car too. While she drove us to Kallang, my conversation was mostly focused with Elvic on life updates because I haven't seen him since Christmas at Nikki's place. I can drive conversations, and ask lots of questions casually as per my usual self.

I wanted to show Bon that. That I give my attention equally to everyone because I didn't want Bon feel that I was desperate to get her sole attention.

I also wanted to show the rest the same thing so that everyone maintains their impression of me that I do not give any special attention to Bon. Also, I have never consciously done so indeed. I may have, without realising but this concious effort to talk to the others, in this case, Elvic will be to make up to it.

After we reached the place and went to the shop, Nik's friend showed us a few models of the bicycle. From the few entry level that was shown to us, the $280-white-color URATA-brand mountain bike equipped with front suspension, push-button gears (Bon dislikes twist-switch gears) and disk brake in front of the wheels caught our attention the most. Beautiful thing. But Bon couldn't decide immediately there and then, so we excused ourselves to take a break at the coffee shop nearby and have some drinks while putting some more thoughts before letting Bon decide.

We started to look at our phones to see if there are better choices for second hand bikes online. We first chatted about bikes, but after a while the conversation shifted from Elvic's girlfriend and I got carried away to share about my ex-girlfriend. But relationships has always been a topic of great interest to everyone (hopefully everyone thinks the same way) and it was also in my intention to plant some ideas of how I would treat my girlfriend, if I had one, to Bon. I noticed I got carried away. I also noticed that I needed to go off soon because my badminton game was going to start at 6pm at Tiong Bahru. The conversation went back on track to Bicycles, and we then walked back to the bike shop.

She still couldn't decide by the time I needed to go. Nik and Bon dissuaded me from going but I told them I would feel bad because I was the one who organized the game and that I had shuttlecocks that the gang needed. If this wasn't an impulsive session with Nik and Bon, i.e. if I had known I will be spending my time with them that this Saturday, I wouldn't even have booked the badminton game. I would have preferred to stay and spend the time with Nik and Bon, or with whoever else, so long as Bon was there.

Also, back to the point above about me being a friend who is fair and equal to all my friends, this is also an applicable example. Elvic had to go too for a dinner with his girlfriend so we left them and I took a cab to Tiong Bahru to reach on time.

I was playing halfway when Bon suddenly messaged me on whatsapp:

"stop badminton and join us"

Bon never messaged me and I also rarely message her. This was her messaging me first and she asked me to join them! Then it seemed impossible so at first I thought it was Nik playing with Bon's phone and using it to message me. Thinking it was Nik, I replied her quoting Nik's name, to say that I could go after the game, take cab and reach Nik's place at 8.30pm. In the end I thought we have settled and agreed that our next meeting would be the following day.

I felt it was obligatory to have dinner with the Indo-NUS badminton gang after the game for 3 simple reasons: 1. It's dinner time after the game; 2. they are also my friends; 3. It's the most logical thing to do because I haven't met them for quite a while and the dinner is a just-nice catch up sessions.

A while after that I messaged Bon to ask her where had she gone with Nik. She replied and apparently they were going to cycle to test-drive the $280 white URATA bike and they were heading to Marina Barrage (which I had visited in the morning). Then she asked me to join them again while I was chatting with my badminton group and was about to finish my food. I thought she was just joking, but since she had asked for twice, I felt twice as compelled to join them, and some more since the invitation came from Bon herself. So I told them that I needed to leave soon.

This came as peculiar to the rest of the Indo-NUS badminton group because we were only dining for less than an hour so they kind of figured out: only a girl whom I was interested in would have enough persuasive power to distract me from the dinner.

Adit, who was part of the badminton group, also asked me why I was in rush. In front of the rest, I made excuse that it was only two normal colleagues who kept insisting that I join them. I have repeatedly told him that there's nothing going on and it's not like I'm leaving dinner for the sake of one girl (although actually it was). And then I handed him my whatsapp for him to see as a show to the rest.

He could see that Bon was asking me to join them and he understood. He knew of my crush on her too because I had previously told him before. I actuallly did not have difficulty showing my whatsapp conversation with Bon to Adit or and would have had difficulty to show even to anyone else because indeed there was nothing noteworthy from that conversation. I had never made any attempt to approach her, not even by texts.

She kept persuading even after I told her it will take me quite a while to get there so eventually I made my mind to go there. I have to admit that I was damn happy about that though. Did she really want to see me that badly? or was it because she ran out of topic with Nik because there were only both of them since me and Elvic left? Either way I was elated that I get to see her again for that day. I parted from my friends at 9.20pm which made the group to disassemble too because all of us had finished our dinner although we were still chatting heartily. I took cab and surprisingly reached there in 10 minutes.

Three of us chatted for about one hour. The smaller group meant the more chance me and Bon could get to engage in conversations. We were mostly chatting about our clique and a friend of Nik's husband who tried to join our the clique, whom I think was a nice guy. When we exchanged presents during the Christmas party at Nik, Bon got the present he bought which was a Tony Tony Chopper figure (not the one of those official figures that I knew). Bon seemed happy to receive that Chopper figure and because of that I would wear Chopper T-shirt when there's a cycling session hoping that it would bring the same smile to her face when she sees it. And he got my present, which was only a towel and a pair of slipper.

After that we left: both of them cycled back, and I took MRT and bus. They reached first before I reached home and they tried to get one of the spare bikes which was left at Lala's place because I had been complaining that I was really struggling to cycle that the previous week (and they really could see that I was struggling) when we cycled to Changi Village my foldable bike. It was already 12AM plus and they failed to get the spare bikes because Lala was already asleep by then. I told them that it was very thoughtful of them but I should be alright after the adjustments to the brakes on my foldable bike.

I had previously talked to Nik that I was keen on catching the sunrise in the east when she suggested it to us and at that point in time we already planned to have it on the Sunday, i.e. the following day, 8 March 2015. At first it was only two of us: Me and Nik, because no one else seemed interested. Then, Bon's mind seemed to change during her time with Nik that day. And it was already 12 AM meaning, it was technically already Sunday and we had to set off at 4.30AM in the morning in order to catch the sunrise as it takes about 1-2 hours by bike to reach to Changi Village. Don't forget that both Nik and Bon had just finished cycling to and from Marina Barrage and only had about 4 hours left to rest before cycling again to Changi Village.

So I asked Bon what made her changed her mind to join us to catch the sunrise. She said that she felt like she owed Nik because Nik had helped her with the bike purchase. This was one of the qualities that I liked of her, that she valued her friendship so much that sometimes she doesn't take care of herself. I told her that we should just change it to afternoon cycling unless it she really wanted to catch the sunrise as well.

I did not really persuade her to just change it to afternoon cycling and selfishly refrained from doing so because I wanted her to join both of us instead. If it was changed to afternoon, there may be more joining and as I have mentioned, I'd prefer the group to be a smaller one.

She opted to catch the sunrise saying that in any case she just sleep for the rest of the day after the early morning cycle. I was happy that she said so and couldn't wait for that. So 3 of us arranged to give a call to one another at 4.15 in the morning and after that I went to slumber.

为什么喜欢上一个人会很委屈的呢？

First Job Luck

My supervisor (currently a senior manager) just told me that I had been really really lucky.
Apparently in history of Kajima Singapore, I was the highest paid fresh-graduate when the company hired me.

I felt happy for bit then it feels like I'm too narrow-minded just for feeling a bit happy for that.

That statement, however, did remind me to feel grateful for what the company has given me, but I wont forget either men should have high ambitions.
At least I should get a better job with better pay

first/second? crush

My first or probably second crush from when I was around primary 4 just got married.

It was funny because this is one of the events that was quite clear in my memory.. I think my first crush should be the cute girl who sat just beside me!!!!

but then the girl who sat behind me was really playful and asked me who is my crush in the class... I couldn't possibly tell her that I liked the girl who sat just beside me, it would have been really really awkward.
So after a quick glance in the class, i noticed there's this other cute girl (who is the one who just got married) that looked like shizuka.. So I told the girl who sat behind me that I like that girl.

see how cute is Shizuka for a guy when he was in primary 4? hahaha

Then I of course thanks to that idiot, maybe the whole class kinda knew and she never talked to me. But somehow I liked her a lot till I moved to secondary... maybe..? But I liked the cute girl who sat beside me too.. hahaha.. and I liked WWF Smackdown too!! 

Funny how she had grown a bit chubby, still looking cute and there were no feelings at all after secondary school haha.. Now she is married!! Gosh how time flies, and that was a short sweet one minute of reminiscing! haha

New Year Post!!!

Travelling is of course less-stressful than working, but it's much more tiring. (unless your work is not desk-bound). Albeit the festivities mood, December wasn't a very exciting kind of X'mas and New Year month for me.

1st week of Dec: Still a lot of adding up to the collections for my x'mas tree (always come back at 11pm-12am every day).

2nd weekend of Dec 2011. 9-11 Dec (Fri - Sun): Trip back to Medan to celebrate parents' Silver Anniversary. Practically a lot of eating, and a day for studio photoshooting.

12-15 Dec (Mon - Thu): Work, constant insinuating from one of my supervisor because she had to attend a big meeting without me due to the coming Korean Trip which I had informed her since 3 months prior to the trip and obtained approval from boss since 1 month before.

3rd to 4th weekend of Dec 2011. 16-23 Dec (Fri - the Next Sat): Trip to Korea. Basically a lot of waking up early, travellings to places, change hotels every 1 or 2 days.

Public + Company Hols Dec 2011.  24-25-26 Dec (Sat - Mon) Parents and Sisters come to visit. Basically a lot of travelling around Singapore + a day in USS.

27-30 Dec (Tue - Fri half day) Work: Constant complaint for my absence and working on things given to me when I was away that have short deadlines.

5th Weekend of Dec 2011. 30 Dec-2Jan (Fri halfday to Tue Morning): Trip to M'sia (KL and Genting) for New Year Celebration. Basically also a lot of travelling here and there.

Company Hols Jan 2012. 2-3 Jan (Mon-Tue): With my backpack from KL trip, Visited My uncle's family at Hospital and accompanied them for 2 days. My Uncle was admitted to ICU on 1st Jan.


Basically for the Month of December there was almost no quiet day where I can just rest and do my own things. There are some examples of the outstanding stuffs to be done due to the above hectic-ness (not sorted based on priority, especially stuff related to hobbies.):

1. Unwatched animes: You know I follow 5-6 animes every quarter (i.e. 5-6 episodes every weeks right after their broadcast in japanese TVs), no time to watch few titles. Only updated for the "priority titles". 1 episode is 20-25 minutes, 5-6 episodes every week is just around 2 hours/week

2. Unfinished laundry: Dried aundries scattered around my room untidied. I can't stand the mess but I am just too tired to tidy up 2 weeks worth of laundry left since late November + yesterday. Almost didn't do laundry in December

3. Work-in-progress in delay: The Gundam I had bought two months ago, I have 4-5 boxes to assemble and not even one is finished yet.

4. Picture upload: You know how tedious it is to select within 969 pictures to upload and probably from the potential 100-200 pictures I will still need to fix at least 40-50% of the fix because I can't fix the scratch or clean the dirt which is on the internal lens of my good olde' camera.

5. Drawing: I also plan to get back to the hobby and probably post some more silly stuff to the comic blog but, there's just not enough time.

6. I also plan to learn air brushing my gundam

7. I also plan to span substantial amount of time to photoshop and fit 140++ photos of xmas trees into a picture.

8. I also plan to take pictures of CNY decorations but not as extensive as the xmas trees.

9. I also need to shop to replace my shoes which now have hole in one of the pair, buy new cloth and CNY snacks.

10. I havent learnt to play any fingerstlye songs yet in my guitar.

11. Oh yah. And I want to sleep like 10 hours just for a day or two this month please...

12. I didn't even want to mention about exercising to lose the 2-3 kg I gained in December due to excessive consumptions at the trips
etc.

lost keys

I lost my keys

Quite irritated since I one of those keys belongs to my auntie's place. I persisted to look for the keys and spend more than one hour reorganizing my stuff at the office and searching around the office floor when I realized that i've lost them as I was about to make a move.

Feeling unsatisfied, I went to the place where I bought my on-sale-chocolate after lunch and asked the salespersons. I'm actually quite glad that the one I personally talked to in the after, still recognized me in the eve. But my luck was not good enough to find the keys.

Again, still feeling unsatisfied, I searched at the indoor food court where I had my lunch and felt that I had to ask the aunties who clean the tables. Although, they are from different shifts and didnt have any idea about any keys left behind before their shift, I actually felt heartened to find that they are actually a bunch of nice people behind their seemingly-angry-all-the-time kind of face.

My keys are still missing, and I am still unhappy of me losing the keys just like that, but pouting and grunting yield nothing.

The very least is I tried my best looking for it. Crossing fingers, hoping that the office boy might find something after I asked him to inform me if they do find something after their usual after-office-cleaning

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