The time I prayed for myself

Venny, whom recently got close to me, was showing me a youtube link about an Asian couple feature in the "Jubilee" channel. They were together for 7 years and when the guy was asked, what did he love about his partner, he said this:

"You are everything that I prayed for"

I didn't bring the conversation about that further and only agreed with her that the Asian couple do look quite sweet together, but that statement set me reminiscing about the two things:

1. the time when Cynthia said she wish me good luck in her prayer (she's a Catholic)

2. the time I actually prayed for myself a few weeks ago after things fell apart.

I am not a religious person, for I consider myself a free-thinker, but I don't despise or reject the notion of wishing for something for someone's sake in prayer because I still do this in front of the several altars in my house which is meant for praying to the select Chinese/Confucian gods and of course our ancestors. Because there's nothing to lose.

Since I decided that I don't believe in gods or any of this kind of supernatural stuff, every time I pray (nonetheless skeptically), I would only wish for all my family members to be blessed with health, safety, and happiness.

It means I don't really care what happens with me (not that I believe that it will work anyway) but for me, to put the someone in the prayer, this action is only reserved for someone whom I truly care for. And I took it that way when Cynthia said that she included me in her prayer. It meant a lot to me. It thought it meant that she cared.

She probably did for a short while or were taking the word "prayer" too lightly.

In the end, she didn't. That's when things fell apart and I didn't know I would sink again like that time. A lot of friends told me that my face was always black. Mike suggested to me just to have faith and go to that Bugis Kwan Yin temple to pray. At that point in time, we happened to be around that area to have lunch after the weekly Sunday badminton.

So I went to the temple, whilst trying to hold my tears, I finally prayed and begged for something for myself.

"Please don't make it hurt badly. Please let me have the strength to endure"

And such was my simple prayer.

It did hurt very badly. I read a book that hit home a few days later and I felt better for a short while. However, until now I have yet to move on completely and I still think of Cynthia, unable to accept what went wrong.

Thankfully Venny's been a good companion so far and has possibly helped a lot in moving on.

Maybe I should go and pray again.

First post in 2017

[backdated post]
I just came back to Singapore after a reasonably long Chinese New Year break.

I spent this CNY just like how I spent my other CNYs for the past few years: visiting and getting visited by extended family and relatives and catching up; receiving red packets; hanging out with friends and cousins; carried out the usual traditional Chinese prayers; getting probed on whether I'm already in a relationship with anyone; and getting nagged on that I should be in one because it's about damn time.


Whilst seeing your so many relatives and friends may bring you joy, it may also bring a bit of envy and gloom.

For instance, after seeing your best friends get married, you’d tend to start thinking whether they will still make time for you once they have kids. And even if they do, when they start talking they will probably get carried away with topics I'm not familiar with like how fast their kids are starting to grow up, etc.

Another example is to see how much progress that you friends and relatives are making on their road to success, be it in their career, taking further education or their own business.
I know it's not the CNY that I should be blaming, it's myself.


-RANTS ON CAREER-

I have gone through every freaking year without any solid resolution and yet I spending these years the same way: work to earn a little amount of money which is probably going to be spent on having fun and traveling. Despite the small amount that I earn, I'm quite happy that I still try to give some amount back to my parents (about half of my bonus usually). This year, I give less because I basically SPONSORED my whole family to Boracay!!! YAY!!


While lamenting on not being able to move on from the first job. Last year there was some improvement. I had 3 job interviews, was accepted by one company but rejected by two. I kind of regret rejecting the one that offered me a job because their offer didn't meet my minimum salary target, but let's hope there are better opportunities.

I am aware that I should probably set aside more time and focus more on looking for a job. Erick Zhang Qirui (was Erick Elfanso), a Medan senior from NUS told me that before he landed on his current job at BP Netherlands, he diligently spent 4 hours every day to do research and apply for new jobs for a good half a year. This makes my efforts seem very half-assed.

This year I shall persevere more. I hope to get a new good job with decent pay.


-RANTS ON ROMANCE-


Even in romance, I'm not sure what the fuck I am doing. I am still unable to move on. My mind is preoccupied with Bon almost on every occasion. 
After spending these few days back in Medan for CNY, I did realize that there are still plenty of eligible prospective long-term partners in the sea. It doesn't have to be Bon. Does it have to be Bon? She is better than Bon. They are better than Bon, younger than Bon and they look pretty too. But why the fuck I cannot get her out of my mind. Every. fucking. day.
Even if she's happier that we are just friends, there are times when I will feel very close to her like she's my sister, and there are times when she will make me feel so cold as if we are strangers.


Given her age (6 years older), even if some miracle were to happen and make the feelings between us mutual, it's not like it will go far. Both my parents will strongly disapprove her based on, not only the big age gap but also on the superstitious belief that 6 years age-gap is absolutely non-compatible. 

At times I feel that I'm non-existent to her. But yet she shared for my birthday gift twice (one for Miband plus Bluetooth speaker; and one for the action camera) and made me a personalized birthday card together with the rest.

Is it necessary to cut all ties to move on? or should I just confess but risk spoiling my friendship with the rest?

Feeling down

I really highly suspect that I may have suffered from depression.

It was supposed to be a happy night: Michael Learns to Rock concert at Star Theatre, with Christina accompanying me.

The performance started with a new song which we didn't really know, then one or two songs that we obviously knew, and they proceed with playing just one song which we didnt know again, maybe just to promote their newest creation.

It sounded sentimental just like a few of MLTR's usual style, but suddenly I was tearing and weeping and I was listening to it for the first time. I thought it would have stopped after the song had ended. Another new song started playing and I tried hard just to relax and enjoy it and it felt like I couldn't control the flow from the tear duct for almost the whole extent of the song. My glasses were foggy, I didn't bring any tissue paper to wipe my cheeks and I struggled to keep quiet while weeping.

I think Chris noticed something was wrong but it was dark so I'm not sure whether she really noticed or not and she then proceeded to ask me what happened. I briefly mentioned "sorry.. too emo" in a soft tone.

Fortunately, after that things got better after MLTR started playing songs which were familiar to us and we were singing along the lyrics and ended with a very positive and cheerful note.

I still couldn't understand, even though those two songs sounded like a sad song it's not the type that it was so good that I would move into tears. It was more like I was not in a very sound mental state and the mood was just so right to let go the pent-up feeling.

It's just not right to cry without a legit reason in a concert where there is a crowd, and some more beside a friend who came to have fun. There is definitely something wrong with me, something seems like broken.

"This too shall pass" is what Chris told me probably 2 months ago... Seems like it hasn't passed yet till to-date.

Phuket trip

last night I cried to sleep and woke up in tears.
Since when I have become so pathetic?

End of the first relationship

[backdated post]
My first relationship lasted from 18 April 2014 to 08 December 2014 = 234 days (about 8 months)

I think it's pretty normal for the feelings to fade during a relationship, but I could have still lived with that. I have decided to initiate the breakup simply because her time is too valuable for me.

She took extra classes three times a week, on top of another coaching two extra classes a week citing that she had recently realized that her time is precious and instead of saving money and time, she should just go carpe diem and take as many classes while she is [relatively] young so she wouldn't regret not doing it when she is old.. Although I gotta admit that I admire her passion, it kinda irks me that she chose to spend more time where we could have more together time in light of her upcoming long holidays to the United States and soon probable Work and Travel in Aussie.

To make it worse, the trip to the US was an impulsive decision, made almost without hesitation. Although the decision was made before we started the relationship, but we were already dating and really close that time. The trip was going to coincide with Christmas and of course, my birthday. When asked about it she sounded like she had forgotten about my birthday, and spending time together during the year-end holidays never really crossed her mind.

Felt lonelier and lonelier that week before the breakup, all the things around me were like falling apart. Yet, I received no consolation or companionship and I just thought to myself long enough to eventually decide that I might as well just go back to being single.

I could understand it easily when she took lots of classes when she was trying to achieve distinction in her Advance 2 exams because that's what my youngest sister is attempting to do too. She had more than 1 class a day in average. It's too bad that she didn't get distinction. It is also perfectly understandable that passing with distinction in Advance 2 is like a milestone in life but another Advance 2 exam will still be another year apart and these recent additional classes she took was for her personal leisure purposes, without any concrete goals in near future whatsoever.

"Even if I am at my old age, I will also keep dancing and take these classes"
Or something like that from my recollection, she said, trying to justify taking these classes.

So, on top of all that, I am actually amused when she said that she had 'sacrificed a lot of time' for us. When it is dancing time (5 times a week) is something she willingly spent but when if it's together time (left with once or twice a week), it's something she that 'sacrificed', something which is 'a lot'.

And should I expect the same shit even when she's old?

I know I may be selfish. Or I may be hard to please. But even the lady friend that I went out for a couple of friendly dates with before I dated my exseriously was much more caring, although just as a friend, than her, as a my (ex)-girlfriend. May be I have unwittingly taken that lady friend for granted now that I felt that the same has be done onto me.

It has been a journey, not too short to forget, not too long to learn a lot about relationships. She was not willing to make her compromises and I'm not the type to suck up to this type of people. So since I saw no future I'd be willing to spend with her, I decided that we break up.

Invaluable General Factotum

I had just attended a hearing on July, as one of the most important parts of the longest battle our company's ever been involved in: 13 years and counting. Imagine when the battle started, I was only a 11 year-old primary student! This hearing is one of those events most people in our company would hardly have exposure to: Only 5 people from our side are allowed to enter the hearing room: two senior lawyers, one senior consultant and one senior general manager, and myself. In fact I also have a senior who's also involved in this case but only 5 attendants were allowed and I was chosen over her.

It’s a bitter-sweet feeling, I’m not sure whether I was happy or angry when our senior lawyer started introducing the attendants from our side and when he was introducing me, he referred me as the “invaluable general factotum”. After I looked up on what 'factotum' means, I concede and concur that there is no better word to describe my whole involvement in this battle. 

Below is the quote from Oxford Dictionary online on what it means

=====

factotumPronunciation: /fakˈtəʊtəm/noun (plural factotums)

• an employee who does all kinds of work:he was employed as the general factotum

Origin:

mid 16th century (originally in the phrases dominum (or magister factotum), translating roughly as 'master of everything', andJohannes factotem 'John do-it-all' or 'Jack of all trades'): from medieval Latin, from Latin fac! 'do!' (imperative of facere) +totum 'the whole thing' (neuter of totus)
=====

With that said, let’s see what the ups and downs of my factotum job are, in relation to this “battle”. Let’s leave the better part behind, so here goes the bad parts:

1. My jobscope is truly undefined. Hence, factotum is really a strong word befitting the job. I have kinda sorted the scope roughly based on the level of intelligence required:

• Carry 30-40 kilo worth of documents in the lousy luggage. This is due to the meetings that are normally held in hotels instead of our own office, as our senior lawyer finds it more comfortable to work there. There were also five numbers of 10kilogram-boxes of documents. Sometimes one office boy helps me with the trolley. Transporting the luggage is the most physically demanding task. When internal meetings are adjourned I would normally be carrying this luggage + my backpack which contains heavy laptop and documents + one big inkjet 3-in-1 printer in hung on my shoulder. Sometimes I gotta slot in a projector somewhere as well.

• Procure customised beverages for meeting attendants: Kopi O for one lawyer, Kopi O Kosong for my consultant, Kopi C kosong for my big boss, Teh-C kosong for my senior, and normal Kopi for the rest. This is every time we have a morning internal meeting.

• Order lunch (sometimes) or drinks including alcohol

• Prepare print outs and documents for submissions. At one time there were two days I arrived at 6am and 7am to do urgent print-outs before the meeting where the documents were finished at 2-3am the same day.

• Help with technical difficulties with the Printer/Laptop/Projector.

• Manage the tiny library (i.e. the luggage containing 30-40 kilo of documents) and look for/draw out the correct document when the lawyer/consultant requires it. These documents are the essentials of the piles and stacks of documents from 13 years of battle + 3-4 year of the project duration worth.

• Edit the formatting of the documents or tables.

• Look for letters/correspondences that I have never seen or read

• Receive and write letters in response thereto.

• Maintain factual data from these 13 years of battle and analyse it in various forms of tables for legal arguments

• Analyse written/technical submissions and feedback to the lawyer and the consultant

2. I also need to endure with unpleasant experiences such as the following:

• Reporting to 3-5 superiors/bosses. Reporting to one single person can already be a headache, multiply that with 3, or 4, or 5!

• Work that end up mostly in vain: Doing 60 write-ups for different items of arguments for two months; after a meeting, every single one has to be reformatted and inserted with new arguments because the lawyers and the consultant had a change of heart in the way they want to present the case; I took another month to reformat and restructure the argument. Only one document out of sixty was eventually utilized.

• Working late and or long hours. Sometimes this may be due to “last minute” ideas from the consultant, and in spite of the above ample time of preparation sacrificed in vain. Working late period varies from 9pm to no sleep until the next morning.

• Having to skip events that I want to attend/participate in.

• Having my leave to be cancelled, as my consultant was not able to give her work in time and hence delayed the submission which then coincided with my approved leave. This leave was only for 3 days and had been planned at least 3 months before.

• not to mention my affected social life as I have less time to interact with my close colleagues or friends, with a lot of hangouts, skipped due to this work

So far that's what I can think of for now for the downside.

And we do have the upside of being the factotum to this battle. Not as many as the bad parts, but here are the good perks:

I have to say that the best part of it is the learning experience. Of course, after getting more or less accustomed to the intelligent portion of the work, I find it easier to write letters as 

It was good show! Being able to see directly how good our senior lawyer argues and defend against the other side's senior lawyer is mind-blowing. He always gives good questions for provoke us into seeing our case in various different lights, and I have already admired him so much for that, but seeing him in action put him in an even more revered pedestal.

New Year Post!!!

Travelling is of course less-stressful than working, but it's much more tiring. (unless your work is not desk-bound). Albeit the festivities mood, December wasn't a very exciting kind of X'mas and New Year month for me.

1st week of Dec: Still a lot of adding up to the collections for my x'mas tree (always come back at 11pm-12am every day).

2nd weekend of Dec 2011. 9-11 Dec (Fri - Sun): Trip back to Medan to celebrate parents' Silver Anniversary. Practically a lot of eating, and a day for studio photoshooting.

12-15 Dec (Mon - Thu): Work, constant insinuating from one of my supervisor because she had to attend a big meeting without me due to the coming Korean Trip which I had informed her since 3 months prior to the trip and obtained approval from boss since 1 month before.

3rd to 4th weekend of Dec 2011. 16-23 Dec (Fri - the Next Sat): Trip to Korea. Basically a lot of waking up early, travellings to places, change hotels every 1 or 2 days.

Public + Company Hols Dec 2011.  24-25-26 Dec (Sat - Mon) Parents and Sisters come to visit. Basically a lot of travelling around Singapore + a day in USS.

27-30 Dec (Tue - Fri half day) Work: Constant complaint for my absence and working on things given to me when I was away that have short deadlines.

5th Weekend of Dec 2011. 30 Dec-2Jan (Fri halfday to Tue Morning): Trip to M'sia (KL and Genting) for New Year Celebration. Basically also a lot of travelling here and there.

Company Hols Jan 2012. 2-3 Jan (Mon-Tue): With my backpack from KL trip, Visited My uncle's family at Hospital and accompanied them for 2 days. My Uncle was admitted to ICU on 1st Jan.


Basically for the Month of December there was almost no quiet day where I can just rest and do my own things. There are some examples of the outstanding stuffs to be done due to the above hectic-ness (not sorted based on priority, especially stuff related to hobbies.):

1. Unwatched animes: You know I follow 5-6 animes every quarter (i.e. 5-6 episodes every weeks right after their broadcast in japanese TVs), no time to watch few titles. Only updated for the "priority titles". 1 episode is 20-25 minutes, 5-6 episodes every week is just around 2 hours/week

2. Unfinished laundry: Dried aundries scattered around my room untidied. I can't stand the mess but I am just too tired to tidy up 2 weeks worth of laundry left since late November + yesterday. Almost didn't do laundry in December

3. Work-in-progress in delay: The Gundam I had bought two months ago, I have 4-5 boxes to assemble and not even one is finished yet.

4. Picture upload: You know how tedious it is to select within 969 pictures to upload and probably from the potential 100-200 pictures I will still need to fix at least 40-50% of the fix because I can't fix the scratch or clean the dirt which is on the internal lens of my good olde' camera.

5. Drawing: I also plan to get back to the hobby and probably post some more silly stuff to the comic blog but, there's just not enough time.

6. I also plan to learn air brushing my gundam

7. I also plan to span substantial amount of time to photoshop and fit 140++ photos of xmas trees into a picture.

8. I also plan to take pictures of CNY decorations but not as extensive as the xmas trees.

9. I also need to shop to replace my shoes which now have hole in one of the pair, buy new cloth and CNY snacks.

10. I havent learnt to play any fingerstlye songs yet in my guitar.

11. Oh yah. And I want to sleep like 10 hours just for a day or two this month please...

12. I didn't even want to mention about exercising to lose the 2-3 kg I gained in December due to excessive consumptions at the trips
etc.

karma

What was reap, what is sowed

So whatever good or bad deeds done will result in good or bad occurences to us.

Can I like apply for 'loan' of good occurences first then I will top up with good deeds later? I'll even chip in interest. Because bad occurences hinder me to do good deeds right?

Simple philosophy believed with faith by millions. I want to believe that it exists but I can't help but keep thinking that it's just so that everyone expecting (but probably with fingers crossed) to enjoy good fruit instead of bad ones by planting good seeds of deeds.

I can help but think that, (and the belief of reincarnation, and previous life deeds affects on what circumstances you were going to be born in, this life) are also to justify how unfair that some people are born with silver spoon whilst some will have to carry on carrying their parents' burden. Since there's no way to verify that you have lived in other life before your current one anyways.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

My stocks vs my work and my hobby

I started to play stocks around two months ago.
Only when I get a hold of how is the procedure like; How long is the Contra date *in Singapore*, how to place a buy or sell order with cash upfront, etc, my goddess of fortune (or lady luck =p )does not seem to be anywhere in my sight.
I keep making bad choices, Sometimes, uninformed, unwise decisions but most of the time, unlucky, unexpected conditions that do not favor the stocks that I always hold. I always have to sell before the price actually rises because I need to sell it within the contra limit. I don't actually have money to play with the number of shares I could play with by means of contra.
In the end, driven blind by greed, I lose much much more than how much profit I'd imagine to make realistically.

Around a month or two ago I also started to collect anime figurines. It costs quite a deal so I figured out if I could earn a little bit of extra pocket money I can spend it on this new hobby. Turns out this hobby is addictive and I could hardly resist all those tiny useless but cut display items, despite my losses in stocks. Although I'm not generating any extra income, I keep mindless spending on all these stuffs.

I have been working for close to 8 months now, and it does not pay especially good. I hate to talk about pay nowadays because most of my friends are paid better than me now, (especially some with their new jobs). I love my current job and I hold a great admiration and reverence to my direct (not the big, neither the ultimate boss) boss to the point that I always talk about her when all of us are talking about work. I thought, maybe I could find a better paying job if I decide to apply to for new jobs. But this job scope and boss is getting too much of a risk to be compromised even I were to get a better paying job.
I started playing stocks so that I could be distracted away from my barely-enough pay. Although I will be distracted to my stock watchlists for few minutes daily (or hourly) during my job. But I will gladly stay there if I could earn that extra money from stocks.

Right now I'm still not willing to look for a better paying job just yet. So probably the best decision is to quit touching all these equities regardless how much I really want to just at least break even all my previous loses (which in turn contributes to my lose even more). Question is, I am ready to quit?

Selective Response

There was once this person who introduced to me this term "selective hearing" and how he told me that I am prejudiced and hear selectively.

I have kept that as a feedback in mind and I always pursue the way for a better me.

But who would have guessed that up to this time, this particular guy, hopefully still a dear friend of ours, implicitly teaches us something from his relatively long term disappearance.

Selective response

Who would have thought that he is the one who will act so against us?

There is insistence that there might be a reason behind this, an unsatisfyingly inexplicable one:
He's just being him.

But we can't simply just accept that can't we? I don't know anymore, part of me secretly hopes that one day he will be frequenting our rare gatherings again. All of those ideals he gave us and most of those he sat away from them.

a post so pointless

So much to tell
So little will to write

how is your career? 2

Amazing, this month alone up till now, despite the two days of public holiday, my only off days are Saturdays. Even though the working hours on off days are flexible, it's just such a pain because the 2.5 hours travelling to and fro just for 5-6 hours (sometimes 8) of work is very troublesome.
Well, the long ongoing dispute will be settled and people will have a good life after so long.

To think about it my career is pretty fun, and I am actually excited (other than the excessive sheet job) to look much more forward. The fun thing is as a part of the Contract Dept, what my senior handles are mainly disputes and disputes and more disputes. I think, the statement of myself as "someone who is stubborn and will stand on my principles and my limited knowledge until someone proves me wrong" is the main line that got me the job. I have to admit, I do mean stand true by that sentence and this this might be just the best job for me indeed. Erm.. we'll see how it goes.

My lecturer previously said, "thanks to construction industry (implying: thanks to this industry which has a lot of dispute), I still have a job".
That's the same lecture that said, "Being a Bsc. (Building) Graduate is like neither here nor there, so I figured out that by getting an LLB will make me to be able to do more things, so I just went ahead and get that paper lah". I do hope that I have that kind of mental power to take up such degree, but yeah... nope.. don't think so.

So exciting!!!!!! So busy!!! So distressssiinnngggg

Beggar?

Just when I was making my way to the Temple yesterday, just to thank the deities once more at Bugis Kwan Im Temple since it's around my way home, (thinking to start doing so regularly like at least once a month, funny since I always declare myself as agnostic); I met an old guy on my way. White hair, probably in his late 50s but still looking healthy with that straight upright figure, although he claimed to be 65. He asked me for some spare change for his dinner and took out his senior citizen concession pass just to convince me that he's old. He then began all the marketing stuff: promoting how poor he is, without family and a job to support him.

I was about to surrender to my naivety and he nearly earned my empathy (like what if I become like him, stuffs like that) before he messed up and mistakenly took out the a ticket covering his concession card, which look like from Singapore Pools. I lost my trust and wanted to go away. Out of goodwill I expressed my intention of buying him packed food in the condition that I'll have to accompany him buy. He began with all this excuse that he do not have his dinner early (it was 7pm and he claimed that he always has his lunch at 11pm or so)

And I thought to myself "What the F, you are begging for food and you are this choosy?"

I left him after rejecting him politely and then he let me go and stood there, probably waiting for another innocent prey, to spare him some dinner or probably more money to spend in the Singapore Pools. And he does it just like 20 metres away from the Temple. This is maybe due to the better probability of getting good souls who would normally buy tissue paper from pitiful handicapped fellas (which is justifiable), but what a shame for him

He definitely look strong enough to work as waiters or whatever job that does not require qualification and that ignores retirement age, such a shame that he has to beg in the capacity of that health.

The temple was already closed at 6.15pm and then I went back home.

draining

Work feels like it's draining so much of my life.

It's so stressful but probably just gonna be for this first two-three weeks... fingers crossed.

So this is rat race?

the ONLY thing that really kept me going is the thought of making 100bucks perday

Job Interviews is like girls

If I get to have interviews with companies which I have a liking in, despite the number of interviews that I have gone through, I will feel nervous but excited.

It's just like trying to talk to a girl I like, exciting, but the nervousness is really annoying.

In interviews with companies which I have neutral feelings on, I can relax and my brain can function better.

What an irony.

the turning point - cont'd 3

Just when I was so desperate in job hunting and just when I said too much of "I gotta be positive thinking", Interviews were all over me again.
Then I made up my mind that QS might be the way to go. Long time ago, I promised myself if it is QS, it's gotta be at least an MNC Construction firm! I've got an offer from a local Construction firm btw.

And there you go 2 MNCs are going to interview me next week and that local construction firm needs me to reply to their by today! But I am looking forward so much more working in the two companies who are going to interview me.

Although it's going to be risky since it will be just an interview, not an offer yet, I risk losing a job right in front of my eyes and not get any of the offer from these two companies.
If I take the job offer, I will have to compromise these two interviews where I might could have stood a chance to get into one of these companies.

"you are just a fresh graduate, just work for the experience first"
"don't take the risk, just grab the offer, you might not be offered this chance anymore"
"do you have clear cut path of where to go? if not just take first and see where it can lead you"
"bigger companies might not mean better workplaces"
"what if even better companies offers you another rounds of interview?"

I don't know anymore, the risk seems so tempting and apparently I am risk taker. I just realized it myself.
Hopefully the risk is worth taking. Luck is not a big part of this game because how I will do during my interview matter more. So, I will make sure that I do my best to get into either of those companies.
Wish me all the best!

the turning point - cont'd 2

Things does not always come out that you'd expect it to be and we all know that.

I took the risk to bet and wait for the result from the company I like, but I didn't get it.

However, I don't feel extremely disappointed or sad because I knew the chances were thin: it is a big company, I was fucking late for the interview, and I was nervous during the interview although it was my 5th interview! wtf (5th nervousness came after 4 interviews, something is wrong with me).

I realized however, I didn't really know what I want in a job, or even to the basic: what I want for a job and that is very crucial to secure one for yourself. There is no leisure in holding offers until you can get a better one, so what you can do for a better offer is reject and wait for a better one.

I can't say I didn't regret that I rejected two job offers. But yeah, sulking creates nothing. What's done is done, what happened has happened.

I gotta be positive thinking

This simply means, my choices are now open again. Now job search continues

the turning point

This is probably one of the most crucial turning point of my life.
My decision to my first job. The choices are:

LHN Group (http://www.lhngroup.com.sg/en/):

• Gone thru 2nd interview with the Managing Director. He said he is willing to accept me to the team but he will only make the offer if I am ready to respond immediately. I told him to hold for a week since I will be attending other interviews. salary not disclosed
• Offered salary 2400
• SME company, probably a good chance to learn lots, but probably no chance to go overseas at all. Different job path.
• office staff profile 80%-90% below 30 years old (younger generations)
• The job will be a property manager: where I have to settle matters on maintenance, liaise with subcons, maintain good rapport with tenant etc.

DP Architects (DP Consultants) (http://www.dpa.com.sg/)

• (look at the portfolio!!!: Singapore Flyer, RWS, Esplanade, Bugis Junction, new Sports Hub, Senayan City, Dubai Mall, Vivocity)
• Standard interview and responses, results in a week, not to be too optimistic. 
• A nice senior and a great office. 
• Chances to work directly with architects *WOW* but people inside the office might not be the nicest on earth. But I kinda like the place and it might be just right for me. I will know how Architects work and will give me new insights in case if I want to study again and apply for my dream course, yes: Architecture.
• The job will be a QS (consultant): help in drafting Architect Instruction and Directions, coordinate the projects, understanding and advising to the Architects (probably settle claims too). (might be much slacker thank maincon)

M+W Group (http://www.mwgroup.net/)

• Very Big MNC company with a lot of foreigners (read angmohs esp Germans or Austrians) inside. 
• Not a brilliant interview though. 
• Not very optimistic for the result of the interview but might be a good place if I am willing to work hard.
• But there are chances for overseas placement, the salary might be higher than normal main cons. the interview was last week. and very near to home.
• The job will be QS (main con): measurement, bills of quantities, backcharges, claims, quotations, etc.

Hor Kew Corporation (http://www.horkew.com.sg/)

• A very local construction firm with very local practice.
•  People are quite quiet but probably quite nice. The location is around Sungei Kadut (near Kranji area, means quite far). 
• since the practice is quite local, there aren't much delegation of jobscope to different departments and the QS pretty much do everything required and first few month will me a lot of measurement.
• Interview was standard but not to get my hopes too high either.
• The job will be QS (main con) but only 5 days a week!! but it much more things to do than normal QSes!

What's holding me and distressing me right now is that I need to respond to my first company fast but the possibility of different good prospects in the rest of the companies, despite the certainty of me getting in there, is a headache to me.
No matter what I pick will be very crucial to path my way. It's probably because I do not know what I really want. A little help over here? Do I just take the most tangible one or do I bet on the prospective results?

Friendship Fades

I know I have ideals and I force people to see from my point of view, this time I would like to do the same but I will do it the right way.

Teddy once said,

We didn't even bother to visit those people who stayed in RVR, although we were still staying in NUS premises, so what about after we are living far from each other?

I also remember once Mike said

In the future, after I'm married I will ask my wife to befriend yours (ours) so all of us can have reason to gather afterwards.

Bearing those in my mind always, I made effort to visit those who stayed probably 20-25 minute of walk away from my place, yes although it's quite near but if you don't bother to visit them and if they bear the same mindset we won't be visiting each other. I too, have at least gone to those whose place is at bukit timah which is not so far away either who appeared to be the ex-RVR group (or better known as the supper club people). Sometimes I also pay a visit to the friends who are still at NUS.

Again, bearing the same statements, yesterday for the sake of catching up or whatever you call it, I organized a supper outing. The attendance was not the best but that's the least of effort that we could have done in order to maintain a good relation.

For me, I've decided that it's quality over quantity. It's sad for me to see, that some people are much more excited to see freshmen rather than their friends yesterday.
It's also rather disappointing to also see that those words that I bear in mind speaks louder than the actions of their speakers themselves.

I can't say much more thing, friendship fades and it is natural, and if we don't want that to happen, it's up to us.

Balls

A new label: Daddy.
Means wise words or advices from my dad.
He called me yesterday to ask about me and told me not to be over-stressed with the job search, then he said this (although probably it's from other sources but I like this):

These three things are like glass balls: Health, Friends and Family
once they drop, they will break so it's really hard to put them back together again


Meanwhile, Money and Career are like rubber ball
once they drop, it can bounce back unpredictably (might be high might be low, we can't control it anyways, but one thing for sure it wont shatter like glass balls) so it doesn't really matter

Thus using that my dad asked me to put more emphasis on friendship rather than putting too much focus on the job search. You know, just take a break or something but yeah I did, not so much though.