Someday

It’s been left there for five days.. Five days ago. It’s my conversation with her [the girl is referred as the one from “MY one and a half semester of empty dreams” post, named My].

What a mixed feeling.

After quite a period of time being offline, at last that night she was online and I was chatting with my other female friend.

“A beautiful thing is only to be admired” She said. She always said that to me. The rationale is that according to her, after you’ve got that beautiful thing, your perception of that beauty will slowly diminish and so does your love to it. That is kind of a piece of advice she gave me when she read the previous post. “And as long as you don’t have it, the beauty remains and you’ll admire her beauty forever”.
I was not convinced and I don’t know whether I should accept that piece of advice or be under the mesmerization of My’s beauty. Do I only like her because she’s beautiful?

Why does it hurt only to see her in real life? Every time I see a girl with tied hair, why do I suddenly have her in my mind? Every time I see a Vietnamese fellow, why should I be faced with the realizing that I just can’t forget about her?
Yeah, I still don’t believe it, sorry to say so.. I’d see a lot of girl more beautiful than My herself at school or anywhere else but, My is simply unforgettable, at least it’s to me.

And so there, My was online after sometime and I gave her my favorite “wew” as a starting of our conversation:

“hey”.. she replied..”Long time no see”. It should have been half semester or more since she last saw me because I have not greeted her in person for that long even if I see her because she never noticed me and I always noticed her. So the condition is: I’ve seen her but she has never seen me for that long.
Yeah that’s when I told her “it’s not long time no see.”.. The last time I met her, still as beautiful as usual and It was inside a bus.. I was looking for a seat and I avoided sitting beside her, when I saw that seat was empty. Half of me told me that I should have sat there but half of me told me that it would give me terrible nervousness and pain. “Sometimes I see you”.. I told her.. “I just don’t call you”.. Yea, every time.. I saw her I never greeted her. I just lack the resistance to the pain.

“Really?” ,“That impolite!” She said with that elder sister tone because I’m still the ‘lit bro’ to her.

I still felt uneasy to know that she’s got a boyfriend. That’s the main reason for everything.

And then I saw her display picture: one funny boy probably as old as her. “Your display picture so funny” “your bf boyfriend)?” I asked. “Nope” she says, “It’s my little bro”. And she says the little bro it’s not blood related with her.. Just how many little bro she has? Hahaha..

As curiosity covers my mind, I asked her to show me his boyfriend.
So she started a file sharing with me thru that Yahoo Messenger and sent a picture of her boyfriend.

And as expected, her boyfriend looked just so good, at least on the photo she sent me. I believe no guys only as good as normal appearance can attract her and so it went: the guy, a very handsome one as her boyfriend and just how jealous you can be. I tried to absorb more information on that guy just to sort of “compare standards”:

● He’s 4 years older than her, and I’m just a ‘lit bro’ *damn it!*;
● He’s of course a Vietnamese and was in the same high school with her. TVB told me that some Vietnamese-s prefer to have Vietnamese mate so that they can communicate well. But hey why should I think so far? I like her so much damn it.. I like her..;
● He’s in UK. Probably doing his studies there, and I’m just happened to be in Singapore. But I’m glad, because If I were not, I wouldn’t met her in my life, but again, hey damn it, his boyfriend looks like a top class people seeing from these points;

Of course I feel inferior to her boyfriend. Who am I that makes me think that I deserve a beauty like her?

Damn it…

“Since when you got into relationship” I’m like asking a celebrity.

“Recently”, “3 months ago” “When I got back to Vietnam for vacation: That’s even shorter when I first saw her and started liking her.. Damn it!

Yeah, apparently she’s having a long distance relationship. But he calls her every night. Yeah, every night, from England; that was confirmed from her.

But she expressed her worry, “I’m not sure if it will work; this relationship” she said. As a friend, of course, I told her to be positive. Why would I want to make her unsure, why would I? Why.. I… Shouldn’t I be happy if she’s happy? She’s happy her now isn’t she? But wouldn’t I be happier if…. If only………

So what a weird me, meddling into a person’s love affair and it wouldn’t be fair if she never asked about mine and so she asked..! Damn it! So painful..
“me?”……….”I spent quite some time chasing a girl”….this girl I referred is her, although I never actually chased her, but I like her so much, and I did some stalking right?

“But recently I stopped”.. Recently.. what a good word to use, she used the same vague time indicator. “tell me about her!” she asked.. I wanted to give some indirect message, but telling her about herself would be too obvious.. I hedged.. “Ah nevermind” “I’ve got too many persons that I like”… “I must try to be consistent, lol” a fake ‘lol’ ~ I’ve got so many person I liked and I didn’t like. But out of those, who can instill so much pain without even doing anything; So much pain that I described the story just about her in 7800 words, the longest story telling that I’ve ever done in my life; So much unsatisfaction and I was flown away by my first can of beer in my life; That’s just her. I must admit that it was actually not inconsistent. But I managed to escape from “tell me about her”.

“You are still young” She said. She was only two or three months older than me and I don’t believe she’s in the position to say so. “Is she pretty?”…. “Like an angel” I said.. My favorite description.. I used the same description to depict her on my previous post.

“why stop then?” She asked. Oh, relax.. I’m not that stupid to say “because she’s got a boyfriend recently”. Instead, I told her “because I think I disturb her too much; I’m such a bad guy” ~ another hedging..

“Haizz” ….”Maybe you just tell her”…

“tell her what?”

“tell her you like her”………..”be simple”……..”maybe it works”…… “like my boyfriend” Haha.. Life’s not that easy or is that?

“Big sis, you don’t have to teach me :p” It was hard for me.. I used ‘big sis’ just to cover myself.

“Someday I’ll tell her..” Yeah… Someday I’ll tell her..

She replied “sooner better”.. The sooner the better.. “Because life is not as simple” I sent forth my stand. “to me, it’s simple.. And that’s what her stand was.
Not to foolishly start an argument, I responded a neutral subjective answer “Okay, life’s simple”…. “But my current situation is not”.. Life may be simpler for her because she can live things happily, she’s got an awesome boyfriend and I have feelings for someone who’s got an awesome boyfriend. How simple can that be, or I made myself think that I’m in such a complicated situation? Oh yeah? Why not I simply tell her that I like her and live my life under her rejections? How simple it can be for her to reject me? I can imagine things like “Oh you are just my ‘lit bro’ “ or standard answer “But I’ve got boyfriend” or maybe a total silence she wouldn’t even totally bother about me anymore.. A fully GG-ed situation.. I don’t want that or maybe only until that far is what I deserve from her?

“hahah, don’t worry too much!”… I said to her “I can handle”.. The truth is yes, I can handle indeed.. I can still handle to wait until a chance come and let fate meet us if we are meant to be.. tsk.. what a silly dream.. And until I can’t handle to dream any further.. That day I’ll tell her.. That someday is that day..

“Ok. Good boy..” after reading “I can handle”.

“Wish me luck too” I told her. Should I wish upon a miracle instead?

“Good luck lit bro” She let me down by adding ‘lit bro’ behind. Let’s see the comparison “Good luck” and “Good luck lit bro”… It showed nothing but I’ve got no place in her. I don’t know for real but that’s what I think.. And I’ll wait for that someday to come.. I won’t care of whatever her reactions and responses would be on that day and I’ll just face the fact, and It’s not going to be today or tomorrow.. It would be someday.

And so with that friendly wish of good luck, “Thank you” I continued, and that’s that far for the Instant messaging conversation. That the end of our chat for the week and so the window of that conversation was never closed for five days until I finish writing this post.


So now I close it. And wait for that someday to come.