Emotional Support

The possibility of going to a relationship with Cynthia seems to be waning and I got really insecure to the point that I disappointed her and made her angry. 

One turning point was when I was missing her so much and wanted to see her so badly, she denied me the opportunity to meet her even just for a while even though we had previously agreed that I would greet her at the airport on 13 October 2019. 

She still maintained her cold stance even after she landed in Singapore. I wanted to ask her what was the problem and why did she maintain the distance. I asked her if she can call me to explain even just for 5-10 minutes, just to get a stern phone call from her an hour later.

Things only went downhill from there, and after about one week plus of almost not talking to her, we met up again.

Since the week of mid-October 2019, my emotion has been a messy train wreck, with a mixture of anger (mostly towards myself), denial, disappointment, sadness, etc. (sounds like 5 stages of grief?).
I had trouble concentrating at work and I couldn't even sleep properly

I have been reaching out to my sister Cindy and my close friends especially Michael, Andy A., Augustina, Benny, Vony, Arta, Johnny Lim, Vincent Z, Jessica E, Praj, Christina for the emotional support for which I am extremely grateful to have.

I'm glad to be blessed with the friendship with these people.

I have also drowned myself in Mark Manson's books the "Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck" and "Everything is Fucked - a book about hope"; and the Garry Chapman's "Five Language of Love".

From these books, I learned that the much insecurity and disappointment that I experienced is precisely because I have expectations to be loved back, and that is it more of an "obsession" rather than actual love.

Despite what I previously told Cynthia, that it doesn't matter whether we end up together or not and what matters was only if she felt happy, this statement ended up as just hypocritical bullshit because deep down I did feel entitled to receive affection because of the things I had done for her.

The word "obsession" hits home hard because that is exactly what had happened to me before. Even, Vony told me the same thing.

I had to be reminded by these books that true love is unconditional and is not based on hope but is in spite of it. It doesn't hope or expect, but because it is what one is willing to do no matter what the other person thinks about him/her.

This gave me an insight as to why I had not experienced any long relationship before because after the passion died off because I did not know how to love or I was not willing to.

However, I still have yet to lose hope even though based on Mark's latest book, I learned that it is this hope that is fucking me up emotionally.

I am still holding on to the words that I told her during our last meeting of 22 October 2019, that she is different and I know that she is the one for me. I just wish that someday I can be the one for her.