The time I prayed for myself

Venny, whom recently got close to me, was showing me a youtube link about an Asian couple feature in the "Jubilee" channel. They were together for 7 years and when the guy was asked, what did he love about his partner, he said this:

"You are everything that I prayed for"

I didn't bring the conversation about that further and only agreed with her that the Asian couple do look quite sweet together, but that statement set me reminiscing about the two things:

1. the time when Cynthia said she wish me good luck in her prayer (she's a Catholic)

2. the time I actually prayed for myself a few weeks ago after things fell apart.

I am not a religious person, for I consider myself a free-thinker, but I don't despise or reject the notion of wishing for something for someone's sake in prayer because I still do this in front of the several altars in my house which is meant for praying to the select Chinese/Confucian gods and of course our ancestors. Because there's nothing to lose.

Since I decided that I don't believe in gods or any of this kind of supernatural stuff, every time I pray (nonetheless skeptically), I would only wish for all my family members to be blessed with health, safety, and happiness.

It means I don't really care what happens with me (not that I believe that it will work anyway) but for me, to put the someone in the prayer, this action is only reserved for someone whom I truly care for. And I took it that way when Cynthia said that she included me in her prayer. It meant a lot to me. It thought it meant that she cared.

She probably did for a short while or were taking the word "prayer" too lightly.

In the end, she didn't. That's when things fell apart and I didn't know I would sink again like that time. A lot of friends told me that my face was always black. Mike suggested to me just to have faith and go to that Bugis Kwan Yin temple to pray. At that point in time, we happened to be around that area to have lunch after the weekly Sunday badminton.

So I went to the temple, whilst trying to hold my tears, I finally prayed and begged for something for myself.

"Please don't make it hurt badly. Please let me have the strength to endure"

And such was my simple prayer.

It did hurt very badly. I read a book that hit home a few days later and I felt better for a short while. However, until now I have yet to move on completely and I still think of Cynthia, unable to accept what went wrong.

Thankfully Venny's been a good companion so far and has possibly helped a lot in moving on.

Maybe I should go and pray again.