reminiscence angel #1

"Partially it was my fault as well.."

"why?"

"because I should have just grabbed you tight"

She told me that after I asked her what could have been done in order to repent my mistake in the past. She told me that after she said that she had repeated over and over that apologies didn't just suffice.
I've kinda guessed what was the action that could give me the chance to make it up, however I kept insisting her to tell me, what was supposed to be done. She kept resisting, not wanting to give any answers since she said she was sure that I won't do such action to make up on the mistake that I've done to her.

Yeah, the mistake was the thing which led me to Angel #2, leaving behind my attention from Angel #1.. Thus, causing unnecessary pain to her. Don't look down on me y, at least there were two girls who had a mutual feelings towards me before you know! ;)
Of course, after we are seas apart, the feeling towards the second one deteriorated, I realized how pain from the fading feeling was the same pain which could have been felt by the first angel.

Up towards this point, I felt like a bastard, playing so easily with others' feeling just like that. I kept apologizing to her afterwards, and for all these three years of university, we were just friends pretending not to know that anything had happened between us. Sometimes she would wondered and questioned me, why I've never go into a relationship with the second one, and I said she never accepted me.

Until yesterday when I wrote 8989<3 at facebook and my msn and I made it in such a way that I'm falling in love with a person of my age. To my surprise she persisted that I told him who was I referring to. Somehow the conversation led to

"why should I be interested in you again? When it's only going to be painful again?"

"yeah, I'm so sorry" I apologized again.

"u kept apologizing, that was not what I wanted though"

after she tried to let me be curious of what I was supposed to do.
She did an analogy thingy, by using 'a girl you hurt' instead of placing herself in the condition and she said"You could have come back for a girl you hurt and left the girl you were with that time, but there was no way you would do it, right?"

"Probably not, but that was because I was in love with the other one"

Then I added, "If I were to come back for that girl I hurt, then I would just leave the other one hurt?"

Then the rest of the conversation were the first lines of this post.

Deep inside probably I was hoping that there would still a spark for me to light up. How selfish of me. All this 2 years I've been liking the fourth angel, made me think was it really me liking her for what she is or was it the resemblance between her and the first one. I want to tell her about the fourth and how stupid quiet person I have been in these university years.

I want to tell her that I want to make up for the past, and undo the pain for both of us.
I want to be held tight so I won't go anywhere, But I want to go somewhere else.
But I cant tell which one or what is it that I want.
I'm just a bastard, I want everyone that I want.

Fuck you bastard, go die.