There was this WeChat message at 1.30+AM on my screen that distracted me from getting some sleep after a relatively lengthy chat with another friend whom I recently got close to.
It's from Angel #1.
Previously she had invited me to join her clubbing on her birthday and I went there with Danny. I met her boyfriend for the second time, and I could recall meeting him with her once, but not him, me. It was quite an experience because being the timid guy I am, I had no prior experience whatsoever in clubbing. But I have been drinking with my bosses once in a while (and when they do, they drink a lot) so I guess you may say that I am able to hold my alcohol. Her boyfriend didn't join us and was only accompanying her until one of her female friends arrived before we entered the club. And I also met a few of her other female friends, but unfortunately, all are attached girls without their boyfriends.
Pics or it didn't happen: Danny looks like an experienced club-goer, while me, a total noob.
So, our friendship had been only as much as this: we somehow would
engage in text conversation once in a long while; She would reply when she
feels like it, but I reply whenever I could: because she sometimes drove the
conversation in an intriguing manner, so much that I always look forward to
hear what she had to say. And that's all, other than that clubbing, we hardly
meet at all, and will only meet when there's outing with other ex-classmates.
And I was right, that late night WeChat
message was one pretty much "the-deal" that kept me awake until
around 3.30AM. Quite unusual because the next day, being a working day,
requires me to wake up at 7AM as usual.
[now now, I am retelling this conversation
based solely on my poor memory, because I just reformatted my phone and I did
not backup my WeChat log]
"Oi" and she started the chat. I
replied, and she told me that just came back from her lab. Her dance sessions
ended quite late and she had been skipping her lab work. It was about preparing
buffer solution or what-not, but apparently her lab was quite flexible as she
tried to make up for the time loss due to evening dancing sessions, with late
night lab.
And we chatted on and on. And before I
knew it, we were already on the topic about relationship. I did realise that if
one chat for too long (especially if it's normal boy with his female-friend),
relationship will indeed become an inevitable topic.
She knows of my longest lasting crush with
Angel #4 as I used to tell her when I was in university time. I can't remember
for what reason. Maybe just to let her know that I have somewhat moved on from
Angel #2 (#3 was the shortest lived probably/ or did I get the numbers wrong?);
and that I had a goal too: a pursuit for the best of the bests of my history of
crushes. Also maybe because I felt lost that she had had a boyfriend before I
had any girlfriend, and I want to cover that feeling by giving excuses that
this Angle #4 was a really hard pursuit.
I remember she then asked me how everything
was going with my romance life. Then I answered her truthfully, that I may have
some mini crushes since Angel #4, but in the end, it's really really hard to
forget/get over Angel #4.
So being generally courteous and all, I asked
about the same as well. The answer was also quite a generic "so far so
good" kind of answer: that's she wasdoing pretty well with her 3rd
boyfriend, who at that point in time, was her longest relationship yet.
Then I jokingly asked about whether she
had gotten proposed to by her boyfriend, I was kind of surprised that she
actually disclosed that she had been asked whether she was interested to buy a
house with him. But considering the fact that I had not get any wedding
invitation that time, she expectedly mentioned that she was still hesitant and
she rejected that offer.
Well we then delved into the nostalgia
again. To that point in time where we liked each other, despite the fact that
most of our interaction were limited to sms-es. We knew that we liked each
other that time, as we used the word "love" quite often in the
exchanges.
However, thanks to some event which made
me really jealous of the guy who seemed to be making an approach to her (or
maybe it was just some gut feeling, yet I really felt jealous), I tried to made
her jealous back. Consequently my attention became divided and I began to like
the girl that I was just getting friendly with. So, because of that, things
between us become sour.
I got closer and closer to Angel #2 which made me fell in love
with Angel #2. Whilst so, I tried to end the thing between me and Angel #1. I
told her that we were probably not meant to be and that I didn't connect with
her as well as with Angel #2. And that my infatuation to Angel #1 might have
been a mistake because I might have liked her solely because she was very
attractive (She still is).
Though we didn't reminisce to that extent
of details, bearing the above in mind, she mentioned to me, that I had really
succeeded to make her jealous indeed. In fact, too well that she said was
really heartbroken even until the end of our high school life. I have probably
been too ignorant that I began to realise the depth of what she really had felt
at that time.
Then we moved on to recollect on our
university time. In particularly the first year: when I was probably at my most
carefree stage and where I put on at least 10kgs. Somehow, as the few people
who came together to Singapore (albeit different university), we would back to
chat online again once in a while back then.
I shall establish the state of mind I was in when I conversed with
Angel #1 during that university time: A few days after we graduated from
highschool, I had asked Angel #2 to become my girlfriend, but only over the
phone. I was rejected and she refused to tell me why. So earlier in the
university I was somehow still in touch with Angel #2. We even wished one
another good night through sms (note: that time there was no facebook or
whatsapp yet and sms to overseas was expensive), and still even exchanged sweet
words as if we were still in love. But we drifted apart eventually, due to
distance, and due to the carefreeness and fun first year at the university.
So it’s a very neutral state, no lovey dovey feeling towards
anybody. In fact I was somewhat lost. And I chatted with Angel #1. I cannot
remember the details of the conversation but it was pretty clear that she was
still really angry because of me. But I did realize that I was wrong and I kept
trying to apologize and then asked if there’s anything that I could do to make
it up to her. She responded in a sad tone that no amount of apology would ever
be enough; and that it was too late. She also asked me back rhetorically of
what I could have do anyways to mend her pain.
Then there’s this part which I really cannot forget: she when voiced
out her disappointment about herself, mentioning that she should have just “held
me tight” during that time. Though we didn’t even get to hold hands back when
we liked each other, this sounded pretty profound and depressing.
Back to this recent WeChat chat with her. As mentioned above, she said
that she hadn't gotten over my selfish action at that university time. This, I could
relate very easily, as I could still remember the guilt. I’m still not sure why
she would refresh the feeling of that guilt.
Then in my defence, I mentioned that she should have at least
gotten over it as she already had 3 boyfriends after that period. It’s as if a
really bad Karma penalising me for that action, because I still have not had
any girlfriend until now.
Subsequently it was the most intriguing revelation. She mentioned
that she was still harbouring some hope on us getting back together during that first year university time. This was I posed the query. Pointless, but made me realised how I was
such an idiot (and probably still am). I had failed to notice that it was as
simple as getting back with her to make it up to her.
But maybe I lacked the courage to acknowledge that. Maybe I lacked
the courage to face back my foolish self-justifying past.
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