My drawing and my thirst for attention

I've been telling others how I express my disgust on people trying their best to gain others' attention.
Well, only recently, I've just realized I'm not better.

I like to draw, sketch, whatever you call it... you guys know that. My drawing might not appear to be the best of drawings that you ever see but I just like to draw.

or do I?

Here's a little story:
When I was small, I always like to draw on the wall; Probably frustrated from seeing that, my mom decided to put me into a drawing class, most probably to let me learn to draw on a proper piece of paper, not on the walls. That, was before kindergarten.

Well, it appears I could draw better than a normal kid could, I could remember how one of my ex-classmate when I was in primary one offered me money to do his drawing homework. Well, this was after my mom started to register my name in drawing competitions, of course without my consent (I could barely understand anything, I was just doing what I was told to).
Till before secondary I won myself few trophies from those competitions: there was always this great taste of victory and bitter taste of defeat as the 'Goddess of Victory' doesn't come all of the time to your life.

I was always reluctant when my mother registered me into those competitions though, I could have spent my time watching my favorite cartoon on those Sunday mornings, but instead I had to wake up early and compete. Probably I was drawing for my parent's pride. So that they could show the trophies and me off to my relatives.

But of course, I also held myself proud though, but not long after I found rivals. Yeah, Rivals: different competitions, familiar faces, trying to fight for those freaking trophies. Most of the time, we come from the same master (a.k.a drawing teacher, one of the bests in my city). After they outnumbered my trophies, I realized how small I was. My pride was crushed over time and I realized the word 'talent' or 'creativity' doesn't actually exist in me.

I became less fond of drawing and I kept encountering people with great talents, people who could draw better without even have to take lessons, people whom I envied yet adored so much. It's like how Salieri had this admiration and hatred towards Mozart, hahaha..
So jealous of these people with talents, so jealous that you almost always think that it's so unfair: you taking lessons before kindergarten comparable or relatively worse than those who learnt on their own.

Few months after first year of highschool, I stopped attending drawing classes. I was probably too lazy, I wasn't obsessed with drawing, probably the interest was overwhelmed by too much of other things, and the same goes to my rivals. I (maybe them as well) enjoyed life as a normal high-school fella, except that I joined the drawing club, just to have enough Co-Curricular points to graduate, and school-based drawing classes were removed from the curriculum for the accelerated class probably because they think you don't need to be able to draw to graduate high-school.

Time flies I realized how much these kind of thing are treasured. This drawing ability, though not great enough to call it as a talent, but not bad enough to be labeled as noob, can impress people..

I started to draw bits by bits again, bragged on how good I was in drawing, but I did all that, just so with realization that I am actually thirsty of attention. I have got no passion in drawing, If there is, that's only because I want to show them off to those who can't draw better than me, so that I have something to talk about myself, so that people don't look down on me being so useless and so that I can be adored for that. (yeah tell me that I'm a jerk).

Darn it, I'm not sure whether it's only for me, or it's for people who create artworks in general, doesn't have to be an artist because I can't say I'm one; Let me put it this way.

What's the purpose of a book written in hundreds of pages, words arranged artistically, if nobody's gonna read it?

Why do you sing, play musical instruments and create beautiful melodies if nobody's gonna listen to them?

Spending hours and days in highlighting the details in your sketches, for what if nobody's going to look at them?

What's the point of practicing hours of body movement, if nobody's gonna watch your dance performance?

Why bother writing thousands or millions lines of code if nobody's going to use your programs? (yeah right, this one not counted because u can still use the program for yourself)

Back to myself. Probably there are those people who sketch, just for sake of sketching, in the general: Do art, just for the sake of art. I can't sketch for that purpose yet, it's just too sad for me: Imagine, spend hours inside your own room (sign of anti-socialism) keep your drawings until you die and your drawings disintegrate and no one knew that you were capable of creating art.

Or maybe there weren't such thing in the first place, maybe people are just being hypocritical but deep inside they want their sketches to be seen, they want their songs to be heard, music to be appreciated, dance to be applauded, sculptures to be remembered for eternity, their writings to be read.
Whether positively "Oh, I want to bring joy, by giving people delightful music; My dream is to inspire people through my writing", or negatively "Yeah, I wanna be a famous artist, I want to hold concerts around the world and be filthy rich, etc.": either way, frankly I think it lies to the most basic human need for attention.

It sucks to came to this realization. Every time draw now, feels like I'm making a fool out of myself. Maybe I should go for that original intention. To fill myself with satisfaction for attention.