I couldn't not sleep well. Woke up at 6AM, just a short while I fell asleep at 2.30AM even though it's a Sunday, and I could only sleep for that period just because my body was probably trying to get the alcohol out of the system.
My mind seemed empty, My chest felt painful and My eyes were teary. And It's been a long long while since I actually wept that much.
The following events were the cause.
I posed to her the question once again even when it's not even a month yet since my first confession to her in Jurong East MRT. This time is inside of a cab.
I know shouldn't have been pushy yet I was so compelled to because I could not avoid the feeling of restlessness or jealousy every time she forwarded to me the screenshot of the messages from another friend who happened to be onto her as well.
Not to mention that this "another friend" was supposed to be a good friend of mine too.
So I asked her when would she go steady with me, and she gave the answer that she felt that I was not the right guy.
I further asked her why not and she mentioned that it's difficult for her to explain. Just to make sure whether she was being kind to try not to hurt my feelings all this while I tried to confirm whether she had any feelings for me at all.
"a little bit"
That gave me some satisfaction and comfort. I thought I could relax a little bit and just bear with it longer until I actually win her heart.
Then when I asked whether there is any other guy who was more befitting than me at the moment. She brushed it off by saying that there were still many guys in the world who may be more suitable for her than me.
She then I asked why I kept giving her difficult questions again.
Me, being the tactless stupidly frank me (I'm always frank to certain people), I just simply said that I was wondering because the longer we go on (to more dates) to get closer to each other, the more painful it was gonna be if in the end she was going to ditch me.
Then, I realised that that was the ultimate stupidest answer that I have given and so I hastily added that I would be okay so long as she gave me some more time to convince her.
We alighted from the cab and I accompanied her up to the lift at her block. I thought she had agreed to give me more time.
But she didn't give me definite answer when I asked her for another lunch date tomorrow. After a while she said no.
I was confused because I was pretty sure that during the evening she said she would lunch with me again as we even discussed what to eat.
So I asked her,
"Does this mean that you do not want to see me anymore?"
She fell silent. And she averted my eyes again. Just like when she rejected my request that time at Jurong East and I almost bursted to tears that very moment but I manned up because that face with swollen eyes is the last face that I want to show her.
She told me to give her more time to think. I could feel my heart broke, then we parted but I wanted to hide under that small glimpse of hope.
Then I took cab back. Sat for a while and received this message
#1: "Nonk"
W: "ya"
#1: "I want us to be friends only"
W: "You really won't let me love you?"
#1: "I think I won't be committed to you"
W: "I think so too."; "But I want you so bad"; "And I want to try to change that"
#1: "Nonkz, I think you should move on"; "I'm sorry for getting u into this situation"
W: "It's gonna be really hard"; "Thanks for your time till this far"
I am lucky to get a quiet cab driver. Or probably he could tell that I needed to be alone.
I could only let it all out at home.
She was my first love, as you can tell as I always refer to her here as Angel #1.
Met her for the first time 11 years ago and I already noticed her from the Physics Olympiad Training Sessions (where everyone came from different classes).
10 years ago we were in the same class and were going to be classmate for the 2 years of highschool. I was so infatuated that time I tried so hard to look for her number. Then I sms-ed her everyday until I won her heart.
Too bad we didn't go steady 9 years ago and too bad I had to fall for Angel#2 while trying to made jealous because I felt so jealous that my good friend seemed like was hitting on to her and she seemed happy about that.
I started to notice her back last year when out of nowhere she started a chat with me and we chatted a lot. We even met for clubbing during her birthday last year, but she was still with her 3rd boyfriend.
Earlier this year she asked my opinion whether to stay "evergreen" or to "settle down" with someone she whom she felt very comfortable with but whom she may not love that much. If I'm not mistaken she only asked me, her sister and one or two of her other friends.
Near to Valentine's day she broke up with her boyfriend and I may well be that I was one of the first people to know. I was feeling happy about that and then I started going out on dates with her. Obviously I fell in love again.
First date ticket, was keeping it just in case I need this for bigger type of convincing.
Today, she told me that I should stop seeing her. We last parted when she was in her prettiest prettiest state ever that I had seen in my life.
Today, I shall stop crying
No comments:
Post a Comment