annoyingly william and her

I always find it annoying when people I don't really know come and bug me on MSN or whatever.
Basically I feel that I am perceived the same way when I try to start a convo with here of the instant messaging software.

I always think to her, I am annoying. So it's better for me not to disturb her else she's gonna feel more and more annoyed

Yet, my I have longed for her too much.  it is unreasonable to like a girl I don't know that much for so long. So long that I almost spent 75% of my university life constantly liking almost no girl except for her.
Yet, the more self-conscious I get: like how unlikable I am, how fat stupid and lazy I am, how annoying I am to her pushes, the more I stay within my shell. I even have this thought: The reasons on why I started to learn guitar, why I want to lose weight, why I re-started my interest in drawing and start a comic, why I always spam your news feed on facebook, Why I insisted on swimming regularly on  these last few days of school, are none other than to gain attention, keeping this very little hope of being able to be noticed by her one day. I don't care about others' attention, I just want hers.

Back to the context of annoying, I think she might have also removed me from facebook news feed (because that's what I do for annoying people on my news feed) and I think she's the type that would want to stop the convo as fast as possible because it's me who started the convo (just like how I would with someone that annoys me too). When I think about it, it's just perfectly fair to be treated like how I treat other people.


However, I still can't understand why I still long for her despite all this. So hopeless but yet can't stop dreaming. It's a hope so tiny that makes you down but it's also a hope too big to kill...